An Institute party got out of hand, and law enforcement had to intervene.
Students driving along South Campus Drive this week were surprised to see a convoy of SWAT team vehicles parked outside the LDS institute. Police reports indicate that the law enforcement unit was dispatched after reports that a party held at the Institute building had “spiraled into an uncontrolled night of sin and debauchery.
The night started innocently enough, according to one witness who was present for the party but managed to slip out as the SWAT team burst through the doors. “It was just your average mid-semester Institute party: chocolate chip cookies, punch, Taylor Swift music, and some really bad white people dance moves.”
The trouble apparently started when one unidentified student hijacked the sound system’s auxiliary cord and played the song “Turn Down For What.”
“Normally we don’t approve of rap music in the building,” said Institute President Bob Williams, “but when the song came on, I actually thought it was rather catchy. There wasn’t any foul language and apparently it’s what the young folks enjoy these days, so I decided to let it play. Of course, I didn’t know what was going to happen next.”
What happened next, according to witnesses, was a sudden and unexpected abandonment of moral principles and conviction. Plastic cups of fruit punch were mysteriously replaced with cans of Red Bull. People who previously had the dancing skills of a baby deer wearing roller skates somehow began to resemble the dancers from “Step Up 2: The Streets.” Students were seen snorting lines of Pixy Stix, “just to see what would happen.” And amidst all the chaos, somebody even let loose a tiny monkey stolen from Hogle Zoo.
No one knows who tipped off law enforcement, but Salt Lake Sheriff Rusty Johnson says they made the right choice. “Nobody wants to be a narc,” he says, “but it’s very important that students know when a line’s been crossed and when they should report these kinds of shenanigans. Who knows what could have happened if this brave student hadn’t made the call. A caffeine-induced heart attack? A dislocated hip caused by excessive gyrations?”
The very next day, the Institute released a public apology, as well as a commitment to preventing any similar catastrophes in the future. “We are proud to introduce our new “Don’t Turn Up” initiative, which we hope will discourage this kind of irresponsible behavior, for which we sincerely apologize. All parties will now be ‘Pride and Prejudice’ themed, and all music played must have been written in the 19th century or earlier. To enter the party, one must have his or her ankles and wrists covered. And as a special precaution, the fruit punch will now be sugar free. And above all, there will be absolutely no playing of the song ‘Turn Down For What.’”
This content is intended as fictionalized, satirical work. Events and ideas presented in this piece should be viewed as fictional.