The local Pedestrian Support Group speaks out about the injustices they face and their mission to cross as they please.
Increasing awareness is spreading to address the serious issue of vehicular drivers who are ignorant to the pedestrian rebellion. Pedestrians in Salt Lake City argue that the right-of-way bestowed upon pedestrians should be their lawful prerogative — to cross the road when and where they see fit. Ike Han Cross, president of the U’s Pedestrian Support Group, spoke directly to local drivers at last week’s demonstration.
“Your horn honking and rapid acceleration will not intimidate us into forfeiting our rights,” Cross said. “While your reign of terror may be thrilling for you, just know that if you do succeed in racking up 10 points each for those of us running, you will be at fault in the criminal proceedings of vehicular manslaughter and justice will have the last laugh.”
According to the Utah State Legislature, Title 41 Chapter 6A Section 1003 tells pedestrians they must yield the right-of-way to drivers. However, many feel this is an injustice which legalizes the establishment of a traveling elite, causing pedestrians to scurry around as the dregs of a newly imposed societal division. The great pedestrian revolutionaries have determined not to take this lying down on the pavement of disparity, victims to the hierarchy of motorized transit. They have declared war.
Pedestrian Support Group material is circulating to local citizens so all are aware of the pedestrian mission. Their pledge reads, “I, Pedestrian, demand to enjoy my rights without threat from the privileged few who are fortunate enough to possess the power of wheels to get them from point A to point B. I, on the other hand, must walk. I must cross the street to get to the other side because I do not have a car to park over there. I pledge to creatively obstruct commuters’ routes by crossing in the middle of their paths without giving them the benefit of knowing when I am coming.” In support of this creed, Cross challenged these commuters.
“Try acting like you’re so superior to me,” shouted Cross, “when you are driving 10 miles over the speed limit and surprise! Here I come running into your path looking directly into your eyes, daring you to take me down as I run for my insignificant life.”
Many stories were told at the demonstration to inspire pedestrian bravery, featuring those intrepid souls who refuse to yield. They have no qualms about crossing the TRAX tracks. They diagonally intersect the formidable four-way stops in the deep city. There were even rumors of those who courageously raced with death as they dashed through rush-hour traffic on the interstate.
“We pedestrians are now taking a stand,” Cross triumphantly shouted as he concluded his speech, “We will not pander to your over-inflated ego by adhering to those patronizing instruction lines you call cross-walks. Our numbers are increasing as we gather to fight this injustice. Welcome to war. Summon your strength, fellow pedestrians. Tremble in fear, motorists. We won’t respect right-of-way laws, and we will get to our destinations without these threats. I am pedestrian, and you will see me run!”
This content is intended as fictionalized, satirical work. Events and ideas presented in this piece should be viewed as fictional.