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Many Americans were awoken this morning with the news that the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage throughout the country. That news was quickly followed with news of apocalyptic destruction and devastating natural disasters.

As soon as the Supreme Court’s decision was made, a 12.5 magnitude earthquake struck the California fault line, sinking the entire state into the ocean. The Great Plains have been terrorized by mile-high flame tornadoes (a devastating combination), which intermittently shot out waves of lighting. George Washington’s face fell off Mount. Rushmore and is rolling around the country, crushing all in its path. The Statue of Liberty did a belly flop into the ocean, creating a tidal wave that has submerged New York City in 20 feet of water. And Hawaii is reportedly under attack from mutant sea-turtles.

The combination of these catastrophic events, which many are calling the apocalypse, has long been foretold by conservative radio pundits who warned that legalizing gay marriage would bring God’s wrath upon America.

A spokesman close to God spoke on his behalf, saying, “God has long shown mercy to America, despite its record of greed, racism, violence, corruption, drug abuse and promiscuity, but he draws the line at allowing two dudes or two ladies to be in a legal committed relationship. America has got to go.”

Those who have survived the natural disasters are encourage to flee to Canada, which legalized gay marriage years ago yet strangely hasn’t suffered any apocalyptic conditions to date.


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