Donald Trump has ignited the Republican party as if it were a run-down building with a hefty fire insurance payout. The man is absolutely dominating the field of Republican presidential hopefuls, and frankly, it comes as no surprise to anyone. As has been clearly demonstrated over the course of his electrifying campaign, America adores The Donald, and comparatively, the other candidates are a ragtag group of grade-A losers.
Trump’s appeal is widespread, and his message resonates with all real Americans. Although he is one of the wealthiest men on the planet, his popularity among the poor and working class is prolific. Joe Middling, the assistant manager of a local fast-food restaurant, said Trump has his vote thanks to the Republican forerunner’s easily relatable lifestyle.
“If I was rich, I’d bail out like Donald!” he said.
Middling said Trump won him over during his presidential announcement, when he came gliding down an extravagant, golden escalator “like a boss.” Trump’s wealth of business experience also appeals to Middling, who believes that the economy is the most important issue in the 2016 election.
“Donald has proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he has mad paper. Reagan made it trickle down, but Trump’s got the juice to make it rain!” he said.
Middling added that this economic approach could also bring relief to the residents of drought-stricken California.
In the minds of many Americans, Donald’s ability to devise efficient, innovative policy solutions such as this, is definitely one of his strong suits. It should be noted, however, that Trump insists he has never in his life worn or owned a “weak suit.”
While Trump’s economic expertise is unparalleled, his prowess is not limited to any one subject, nor is his appeal limited to any one demographic. Even middle class housewives, such as Martha Led, are smitten with The Donald. Led said that her biggest concerns for the upcoming election center around protecting her family from the threats posed by global warming and illegal immigration.
“Other Republicans are afraid to have an honest conversation about climate change, but not Donald,” she said. “When he explained that global warming was cooked up by the Chinese to hurt U.S. manufacturing, it made total sense. I’ve always been suspicious of Asians, and they’re notoriously bad liars. I mean, they seriously expect me to believe my SUV is killing polar bears? Not a chance — not with Donald watching my back.”
While Led is very concerned about foreign affairs in the East, she’s even more worried about relations with our neighbors to the south.
“I need to know my children aren’t going to be raped and murdered,” she said. “Mr. Trump helped me realize the only way to guarantee that peace of mind is to build a wall along our southern border, and no one can build a wall better, or cheaper than him.”
Led’s next door neighbor and fellow Trump supporter, Ray Sissed, whole-heartedly agreed.
“Obama’s been lettin’ all them Mexicans and other types of terrorists sneak across our southern border for too long. But when Trump wins, their fiesta ends!” he said.
Sissed also mentioned that he identifies with Trump’s comments on the Confederate flag.
“Donald was dead-on when he said that only an idiot would oppose the Confederate flag. I couldn’t ah’ said it better myself and I ain’t no idiot, neither,” Sissed said with a wink.
This sentiment is common among Trump supporters, and people who don’t believe in Hitler.
In addition to being the world’s most successful business mogul, Trump is one of the greatest self-declared military strategists to have ever graced the face of the Earth. During a recent campaign speech, Trump asserted; “I’m the most militaristic man in the room.”
Jonny Macho, who actually happened to be in the room at the time, agrees with Trump’s assessment.
“Most of the guys in there, other than Donald and I — they were wimps” Macho said. “He was easily more militaristic than any chump in there, and I was a close second.”
When asked how he feels about Trump’s position on the terrorist group, ISIS, Macho said, “Clearly, The Donald, AKA The Don, AKA The Trump Card, ain’t gonna put up with ISIS’ shenanigans. He’s the kinda guy who ain’t afraid to put boots on the ground, and if that don’t work, he’ll put a boot somewhere else. He’s tough. These guys in the Middle East are gonna walk all over Scott Walker, and if you think they’ll take a chick like Hillary seriously, you can fuh-getta-bout-it.”
Like him or love him, you gotta admit that Donald Trump has wooed nearly the entire world. Those who have not yet fallen under his spell are either too stupid to recognize a political genius when they see one, or they are conspiring with the Mexican government to keep The Donald out of office. Though some of them, I assume, are good people, anyone who votes against Trump for president will no doubt find themselves situated on the wrong side of history. Along with the climate change crazies, illegal aliens, NBC executives, people who can’t afford to play golf and all war prisoners ever.