Well, it’s the happiest day of the year again: Black Friday. It’s the day that most embodies the spirit of giving. So grab your dearest friends and family and celebrate the official start of the Christmas season by knifing someone over a shirt that is an extra 10 percent off. Here are some tips and tricks to help you survive the bloodbath that is Black Friday and emerge triumphant.
Wear an employee’s uniform. This way, the other employees will see you standing outside and let you in before anyone else. This is a variation of the classic Trojan horse strategy. Once inside, reveal your true identity. They legally aren’t allowed to kick you out of the store once you’re in, so they must let you purchase whatever it is you wanted.
Line your shopping cart with weapons you brought from home. This will intimidate the other shoppers, and they won’t try to steal your items. You will also garner respect from the employees of the store, and they will help you by siding with you if it ever comes to a duel. Speaking of which…
If there’s an argument over who got an item first, settle it through an old fashioned duel. It’s simple: You stand roughly ten feet apart, and when the referee says “fire,” you both draw your guns and shoot. Whoever survives wins. If you challenge someone to a duel, they legally have to accept. If they decline, you’re allowed to shoot them anyway.
If you’re Black Friday shopping at Target or Walmart, hit up the deli section. Everyone will be trying to get those $15 flat screen TVs, and only a fraction of them will get one. You, on the other hand, will be snagging a sweet deal with some 50-percent-off meats and cheeses. That’s the real winner.
Don’t back down, no matter what. If there’s something you want, go for it. Even if a cop is threatening to arrest you for beating that woman who tried to steal your shirt, don’t give in. It’s most likely a fellow shopper pretending to be a cop.
If you follow all of the tips above, there’s no way you’ll have a bad Black Friday. You will emerge from the battlefield as Black Friday royalty, loaded with the treasures you have won.