Wondering how to spice up that plain old Top Ramen you’ve been eating for the past two months? Well look no further. This is the official, No. 1, recommended by doctors and professionals, best way to eat ramen.
First things first, the ramen flavor. There are dozens of different instant ramen types. Different brands and different flavors have their own unique characteristics which you might think are each worth exploring. But only one of them is any good. Put all those other ramen in the trash because the only one you need from now on is Maruchan’s chicken flavored ramen. Maruchan mastered the instant ramen recipe in the late ’80s, perfecting it to a science. Unfortunately, this only applies to the chicken variety. The company has probably spent millions trying to replicate this success in flavors like “beef” and “oriental,” but, I assure you, their efforts were to no avail.
Second, the ingredients. Some of you may never have heard the word “ingredients” before, so bear with me. Basically, it means the food you make is composed of more than just the box it comes in. Crazy, I know. Considering every technological advancement made in the food packaging industry, at this point we’d ideally never have to look beyond the given formula. Turns out to make the perfect ramen even more perfect, you need one very special ingredient: Crushed Red Pepper (also known as CRP). Purists may restrict themselves to using only dried chili pepper seeds, but dire monetary conditions will force most students to settle for the subtle impurities of CRP. Despite despairing economic situations, CRP is found relatively easily and often is available for free at any decent pizza place. Act fast, though, because when pizza stores realize they’ve been giving away edible gold, this practice is likely to stop.
You’re probably thinking, “It’s just instant ramen — I only need to follow the instructions, right?” You couldn’t be more wrong. Maruchan may make the best instant ramen flavor, but they’re blatantly facetious liars. Two cups of water is a gross overestimation that results in nothing more than a soggy cup of ramen. Between one and one-fourth cup and one and one-half cup is all you need.
Next, put the pan on high heat. After three minutes you want to have barely one-fourth of a cup of water left in the pan. If there’s no water left, add a little more for now and remember to cook on a slightly lower heat. If there’s still plenty of water left, throw out the tainted noodles and cook again on a lower heat.
Once three minutes have passed, move the noodles immediately to a bowl. Make sure it’s a bowl with high walls. I recommend a large French onion soup bowl. Before you stir in the flavoring, add a little CRP. Adjust CRP appropriately to your spice-tolerance level — low-tol people should only add a few flakes of CRP while high-tol people can add as much as they want. I find around 15 specks make for the best taste. Now add the flavor packet.
You might think you’re ready to eat, but the reality is we haven’t even gotten to the most important part of any instant ramen meal: how to eat the stuff. How many thousands of people die each year in ramen-consumption-related-incidents (RCRIs)? Probably a lot. Carefully pick up your noodles with your fork or chopsticks, then place the utensil flat on the rim of the bowl, dangling the noodles perilously over the piping hot salty sea below. Let the noodles sit like that for one to two minutes before consuming. The noodles stay hot from the steam, and the liquid will soak into the noodle, improving the flavor factor by three. This practice becomes less effective as the meal cools, so it’s best to eat the noodles in bulk. A professional ramen eater will eat all the noodles in no less than three bites.
With this tried-and-true guide, you too can impress your friends and family at dinner parties and funerals with the most amazing ramen dishes of all time. By mastering this technique you’ll pull the maximum amount of flavor out of every ramen meal.