This year, the 45th President of the United States of the America will be elected, and the nation will witness history in the making. For the first time since the initiation of democratic voting in the U.S., the ballots have been liberally opened to include an extra-human species. Currently in the running for the Democrats are Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, offset by the Republican candidates: Ted Cruz, John Kasich and Zuul, the Gatekeeper of Gozer.

Zuul was first referenced in an Egyptian legend dating back to 1600 B.C., and made their next appearance in the 1984 release of “Ghostbusters” as the demonic, possessive terror dog, later moving on to host “Celebrity Apprentice.” They are now running as one of the top contenders in the 2016 presidential election (Zuul generally represents a female spirit, but because they are currently residing inside the orange body of a human conforming with the male gender identification, “they” pronouns are preferred).

Because Zuul, when inhabiting a human body form, utilizes seductive temptations to complete their rituals, the ancient and ultra-powerful entity has enraptured a large majority of voters and currently holds about 739 delegates. This means they are almost halfway to their goal in order to technically seal the nomination! Therefore, I have compiled a helpful list of handy tips and items to stock up on, in the rare circumstance that the Gatekeeper does in fact become our 45th president:

1. Multiple Ghost Traps: One ghost trap won’t be enough, should you be faced with an angry demon. Approximately four ghost traps should keep you covered in the event of an unhappy leader. Remember to practice crossing the streams with four of your best friends to ensure maximum power!

2. Cheetos: That’s right! Society’s trends tend to follow figures of power and wealth, which means the “in” look in the makeup world would start gravitating toward a higher concentration of fake orange tanning solution in moisturizers, foundation and sunscreen! Since efficiency would be key in this post-apocalyptic state of our North American country, why not save yourself the time and money by attempting to find the most neon hues of tangerine in your Maybelline and go straight to the source — a nice pile of crushed Cheetos!

3. A stock room full of canned goods and automatic weapons: Because Zuul’s anti-immigrant, anti-refugee and generally anti-minority agenda might backfire and place Americans in a somewhat negative light, you might as well be prepared for any variety of apocalypses that may occur!

Zuul has just announced that he may choose fellow Republican candidate, Vinz Clortho the Keymaster, as his running mate. Overall, I would definitely say that these two fiery demigods absolutely have the right mindset, skill set and experience to, in fact, make America great again.

letters@chronicle.utah.edu

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