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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

In Defense of Fireworks

In+Defense+of+Fireworks

With all due respect to my friend and esteemed colleague, Jarom Norris, who argues that fireworks should be done away with, I submit to you that his argument is asinine and ridiculous.

Norris cites the supposed negative impacts fireworks have on our environment. He says fireworks “leave metal particles in the air.” I could see how this would be a problem if it left big chunks of metal in the air that could fall and hit people on the head. That would hurt. But mere particles? Please.

If there was any valid reason to abandon fireworks — which there is not — it would be greatly outweighed by the benefits.

First of all, blowing stuff up with fireworks is part of our civic duty as Americans. As a group Americans are more likely to set off fireworks than go vote, so logically that must mean fireworks are even more important than voting. Our national anthem talks about “the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air.” Clearly, nothing is more American than setting off a whole barrel full of Roman candlesticks.

But the main advantage of having fireworks is that they maintain Darwin’s theory of natural selection. Everybody knows that there’s an overpopulation problem. Thanks to fireworks though, we are able to get rid of a handful of people each year who think it’s a good idea to light fireworks off their heads (or other various other appendages). Obviously these people aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, so it’s really just natural selection doing its work. If anything, we need more fireworks to weed out more of those who don’t possess the minimum amount of common sense needed to survive.

In conclusion, fireworks are awesome. This is America, and if we know one thing, it’s that when we have to choose between what’s fun and what’s good for the well being of our country, we choose fun.

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