Have you ever heard of anything so outrageous that you simply cannot believe it’s true? That is what it’s like living in Utah. Most recently, the cause for confusion and humor is the dropping of the so-called ‘Zion Curtain.’

The word “Zion” in Christian thought, defined by Webster’s Dictionary, is “the heavenly city or kingdom of heaven.” The Zion Curtain happens to refer to a specific liquor law in the state of Utah stating that any restaurant or bar has to put an actual physical barrier between customers and the place alcoholic drinks are made. Passage of the bill that designated the much-needed curtain must have pleased God since He forbid if people see something completely normal — the mixing of an alcoholic beverage — in a restaurant setting.

As if this weren’t already laughable enough, the bill has been reformed to include the designation of a ‘Zion Moat’ — since Utah politicians hadn’t yet made it clear their desire to devolve us back into the Middle Ages. The Moat would require an even wider barrier between where alcohol is made and where it is served.

A statement posted by the Salt Lake Tribune by co-director of family policy resource Laura Bunker said: “We are concerned about removing the barrier. Utah has more children per capita than any other state and they should be our priority.”

It does seem logical that barricading Utah’s youth, making topics like alcohol, drugs and sex even more taboo, will only serve to make them well-adjusted, not-at-all-sheltered citizens of this great nation. Let us (please) forget that Utah has the highest rate of pornography and opioid use in the meantime.

With the new liquor law, markups being placed on alcohol will supposedly be used for drinking prevention and training programs for youths starting in middle school. Perhaps that money could also be used to train parents and guardians how to actually talk to their children. Although, as we all know, keeping an entire population of young’uns in the complete dark about serious issues will cause them to be not at all curious about drugs, alcohol or sex, and will certainly not lead to higher rates of experimentation and abuse later in life. Repression is, after all, the healthiest anti-abuse method.

I guess we should give the bill some credit since it allows restaurants serving alcohol to choose a few ways they would like to barricade children from seeing the promulgation of Utah’s glamorous “alcohol culture.” Indeed, the whole situation sends an incredibly heartwarming message to all Utahns, telling us that we must ask ourselves just one daily question: what walls would you like to put up today?



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