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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
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Satire: “Gun Down Theory” could decrease shootings in U.S.

In lieu of recent tragedies associated with gun violence, many people are showing support for a new plan called “Gun Trickle Down Theory,” or Gun Down, for short. Though the popular economic theory of a similar name was scathingly rejected by the International Monetary Fund, people are still hopeful that it can be applied to gun safety.

The basic idea is that the individuals most affected by gun violence are, in fact, companies. Areas where homicide and other acts of violence frequently occur are forced to shut down for police investigations, and stores suffer lower visitor rates due to a stigma of gun violence, losing revenue that can never be recovered.

The idea of Gun Down Theory maintains that, by supplying companies and local businesses with guns, we decrease marginal gun ownership percentages — especially for individuals with mental health issues — which helps stimulate greater protection overall.

“In effect, we help negate possible security risks by outsourcing policing to individual companies, which can provide greater and more intimate protection for individual citizens,” said local NRA member Ned Arthur. “Too often liberals work off of a purely reality-based agenda. We’re going to need more radical experimental theories in order to solve this imminent problem of gun violence in America.”

This theory hopes to draw a line between policing and vigilantism by outfitting companies with enough weapons to protect themselves and their customers. This safety will then trickle down, providing greater security for society as a whole.

If this theory can be enacted by the end of next year theorists believe that by 2029 we’ll see a disappearance of gun-related massacres.

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