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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
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Satire: God Finalizes Pre-Determined End to NFL Season

As the NFL preseason draws closer, God has officially determined the outcome of the impending season.

The news was first reported last week by NFL insider Adam Schefter, who said that the elusive creator of the universe has been deliberating for weeks but has finally determined the division winners, the playoff seeding and, of course, the Superbowl winner.

This is the third year the NFL season has been determined by God, instead of by the traditional method in which a champion is crowned based on skill, dedication, and the sheer willpower of the players.

The change allegedly took place when God heard that many NFL players had taken to thanking Him in their postgame interviews, despite the fact that He had no impact on the game whatsoever. So God decided He should at least do the job so many people were thanking Him for.

In yesterday’s press conference, God took questions from reporters about the storylines that will dominate the 2015 NFL season. A popular topic was the question of whether Tim Tebow will make a successful return to professional football with the Philadelphia Eagles.

“Listen, I love Tim, he’s one of my biggest fans,” God said, “but it doesn’t look good for him. I’m a God of miracles, but it will take more than a miracle to fix Tebow’s throwing motion. I wouldn’t take him on my Fantasy team is what I’m saying.”

As usual, God didn’t reveal any information that wasn’t already obvious, such as the fact that the Raiders will once again be absolutely terrible and Dallas will choke in the playoffs.

He did, however, hint at some of the surprises to come: The first team to lose 12 games will give up and move to Los Angeles; the Redskins will finally cave and change their name to the Washington Gridlock; and one unlucky stadium will get destroyed by an unspecified natural disaster.

God closed the press conference with a Super Bowl teaser saying, “If you thought the end to last year’s Super Bowl was dramatic, you won’t believe what I’ve cooked up for this year. Let’s just say y’all better be saying your Hail Marys.”

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