U Has Got to Stop Sleeping With My Mom

By Oedipus Poser

At first I thought it was all a big joke.

I just assumed that everyone had heard the same things: ?You?re mom is a good lay,? ?I had a really excellent time with your mom last night,? ?I saw your mom?s Web site the other day; can you get me a free subscription??

Some joke.

It wasn?t until last week that I figured it all out. Yes, indeed, my mom has become a somewhat renowned and incredibly promiscuous hussy. In fact, she is quite famous around the University of Utah. It seems like everyone is having sex with her?even members of the U administration and the entire English department for that matter?both male and female.

You can?t imagine what I have been going through.

This has to stop. Although I recognize that she?s an attractive woman and I know that she is quite liberal with her sexuality?something about which I think women should not feel embarrassed?I just can?t handle the constant feedback the U community is giving me regarding her performance in the sack.

Now there are even videotapes floating around.

What?s worse is that even though I am a pretty notable campus figurehead and people come to me with questions regarding many facets of this university?s daily functions, no one stops in to say hi after they do their thing in my mom?s room. I would think it would be a common courtesy.

If I were ever going to have sex with my friend?s mom, I would stop by and at least say hi to him afterward. My mom?s room is right next to mine?it?s not like it would be out of the way. But no, all these ungrateful bastards just pawn off horrible excuses like, ?I was in a hurry,? or ?I?m sorry, your mom just really wore me out last night.?

For so long I lived my life thinking that my mother had only experienced the act of coitus once in her life?the day I was conceived. Now she?s getting more action than me, and that?s saying something.

For the love of Jesse, could you please stop having sex with my mom?

One would think that would be a pretty reasonable request, especially in such a conservative state. But I guarantee you that when this column runs, I will get flooded with letters from people who just can?t understand my dilemma. ?But Oedipus, your mom is so good?; ?But Oedipus, your mom is so kinky, no one else will do the things she does.?

Well, no one else has the kind of venereal diseases she has either.

Years and years of pumping and grinding have given her a collection of infections only Wilt Chamberlain could match. God help us if some of those get unleashed on the university population.

The word has gotten around about her VDs, but I don?t think anyone has heard the latest. Apparently, the right combination of nicotine and sex with my mom could have the side effect of genatilus perditio, or ?loss of genitals.? That?s right, you smoke a cigarette after a night with my mom and a couple of hours later you may witness circulio explosio or ?exploding penis.?

I won?t get into what happens with the women who ?manifest? their love for my mom a couple of nights a week?that might be a little too graphic.

Sleeping with my mom has been listed as the No. 1 most-risky behavior by Student Health Services, and a recent survey by the group has found that perceptions vary as to the consequences of indulging oneself with her.

I think I have made a pretty good case for getting you to stop having sex with my mom.

You may all think it is funny.

You may, like countless others, even poke fun at me about my horribly promiscuous maternal figure. But hopefully, some of you will be as disgusted as I am with the very low moral character of our otherwise very respectful campus community.

I do, however, understand the attraction some of you feel toward her. Oedipus?-Mom Attraction, or OMA, can be treated. You just have to take the first step toward recognizing that you have issues with OMA and you will avoid acting on your urges.

Therein lies the key.

I love you all and will continue to love you, but those of you who have slept with my mom and continue to do so must know that you are engaging in immoral and very dangerous behavior. I also know that when she wears those tight skirts she is almost irresistible.

Just fight the urge and do your best to unlearn the perverse attraction you have developed toward my mother. When you give in to your hedonistic desires, you are sure to pay the consequences but remember, I still love you?at least have the courtesy to come by and say hi.

Oedipus welcomes feedback at: [email protected] or send a letter to the editor to: [email protected]