Ghoulish Changes at Library

By By Rupert Fancipants

By Rupert Fancipants

Catching the spirit of Halloween, the Marriott Library has renamed its Gould Auditorium the Ghoul Auditorium.

From now until Nov. 1, rather than hosting lectures on diversity, political science and public health issues, the newly renamed auditorium will host a symposium on the role of library science in Halloween.

&It was a difficult decision to make,& said Library Director Kevin Readsalot. &But we figured, &Hey, if we call it Ghoul Auditorium during this symposium thing, people might think it was a haunted house.&&

Prospective haunted house goers were disappointed Friday evening when they paid $12.50 to enter the Ghoul Auditorium and wound up listening to Director of Parking and Transportation Services Al Anderson read the Commuter 2002 Guide in &a really spooky voice.&

&Hey, if that doesn&t scare you, nothing will,& Anderson told The Comical afterward. He began the reading with a pair of plastic vampire teeth in his mouth, but had to remove them because &no one was getting it.&

&Man, if I wanted to waste 12 bucks on stupid crap that doesn&t scare me, I&d go to that lame Castle of Chaos joint,& said Tim Watley, a freshman studying finance.

The Halloween symposium&s keynote address will take place Tuesday at noon. &Creepy and Kooky: Halloween from a librarian&s point of view& will feature Stanford University Professor of Librarology Sally Vacuum.

&Many people don&t realize how critical a role librarians have played in Halloween,& Vacuum said. &I mean, without us, where would kids borrow the Halloween books they see on &Reading Rainbow?&&

Afterward, the College of Science will host a panel discussion, &Breaking Stereotypes: Mad scientists and the media.& Featured panelist is Professor Hugo von Frightmarestein from Chemnitz Technical University.

&Ve are always havink to defend ourselves from ze idea zat ve just vant to create horrible monstairs to take over ze vorld vhen ve apply for ze grants,& said von Frightmarestein in a ridiculous, comic accent. &But zhere are many applications of monstairs outside of ze taking over of the vorld.&

&We&ve also got Butch Patrick, you know, the guy who played the werewolf kid on &The Munsters& coming Wednesday to talk about Hollywood&s portrayal of supernatural minorities,& Readsalot said.

The featured refreshment of the symposium is cookies with orange frosting and jack-o lantern faces on them.

&We&re very excited about these cookies,& Readsalot said. &Orange frosting always goes over well, and at what better time than Halloween?&

To further add the overall ghoulishness of the Nightmare iott Library, volunteers dressed as popular Hollywood horror creatures will pop out from behind stacks of books to frighten library patrons.

&There was this guy looking for a volume of Nature,& said Jimmy Durango, who lurks in periodicals dressed like the Creature from the Blue Lagoon. &He was trying to research some paper or something. Man, was he surprised when some guy in a rubber suit [Durango points at himself] jumped out and started beating him up. His cries for mercy&he sounded like a little baby!&

The U&s vice president for academic affairs suggested placing horror creatures throughout the library according to the Dewey Decimal System, with Count Dracula in foreign languages and the Wolfman in biological sciences, for example, but Readsalot thought it would subtract from the spontaneity of the undertaking.

&We want people to just really get freaked out when they see dudes with chainsaws chasing them through the stacks,& he said. &But from now until Halloween you&d better call it the Gooey Decimal System!&

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle&s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don&t call your lawyer. Thanks.