In an unprecedented press conference held Monday by Associated Students of the University of Utah, President Ben Lowe took an official stance on the recent decrease in parking:
&We care,& Lowe said.
The concern comes after an announcement by the Salt Lake Organizing Committee that they will continually seize parking spaces in preparation for the 2002 Olympic Games coupled with the loss of the E- Lot reclaimed by the LDS institute and the seizure of 100 parking spots in the business loop for the creation of a pay lot. SLOC and the U encourage students to carpool, take the bus, bike or walk to classes as a means of accommodating to the change.
Lowe invited his Director of Media Relations Jared Kronenberg to comment on the subject.
Kronenberg dazzled those in attendance with a series of colorful charts and graphs that displayed the decrease in available parking in comparison to ASUU&s level of concern, but failed to disclose any actual solutions.
Kronenberg concluded stating that, &Although parking has always been a trite issue, and as your student government we could spend our energy on more important matters, we will solve this problem.&
When asked whether ASUU will lead by example and carpool, bus or bike to school Kronenberg replied, &Actually Ben has an X Pass, and he’s working on getting one for everyone at ASUU.&
Lowe then slapped Kronenberg upside the head, took the microphone and stated, &This press conference is over.&
On the phone from parking services, Anita Karr described the X Pass and its potential power.
&Wow, an X Pass. An X Pass basically allows the driver, or parker in this case, to park his or her vehicle anywhere on campus without the risk of receiving a ticket,& Karr said.
Karr also mentioned that unlike the E, U and A passes, &the X Pass has no designated lots around campus; actually, I guess the whole campus could be seen as one giant X Pass parking lot.&
To gage just how much freedom to park the X Pass provides, I asked Karr if parking services could make any citation if a vehicle with an X Pass was blocking a building entrance or had damaged property in the process of parking.
Karr replied that, &You would be better off calling the cops; the X Pass is just out of our jurisdiction.&
Basically, the X Pass allows a driver to park with impunity. This is why Lowe&s purple Jeep can be seen regularly in the three-minute drop-off zone outside of the Union.
Nancy West, a self proclaimed soccer mom and a driver who claims to be affected by Lowe&s abuse of his X Pass privileges, was quick to comment.
&How am I supposed to drop off my kids and their friends to come bowl and play at the arcade when that guy and his, his, his X Pass, are always in the three-minute drop-off space outside the Union?& West asked.
West expressed further frustration at the notion that these kind of abuses seem to go on un-monitored by higher powers within the university&s administration.
Heeding West&s comments, I communicated her concern to the U&s President Bernie Machen.
Bernie had little to say about Lowe&s X Pass abuse or the decrease in available student parking, stating, &Why should I give a rat&s ass? I’ve also got an X Pass8212;hey that rhymed! Damn, I&m good.&
Machen proceeded to slug this reporter in the shoulder, and then he jumped on his new Harley and rode off into the sunset.
The Daily Utah Chronicle has generated some public awareness concerning the decrease in available student parking, with the help of informational pamphlets released by the U, Parking and Transportation Services and SLOC, which describe exactly which lots will be affected when.
Despite these efforts, most students still remain uniformed about the changing parking situation. Upon hearing the news, Lloyd Brinkerton, a third year engineering student, said, &They’re gonna what?& he paused, and then completed his statement yelling &Fuck& as he walked away.
The only student to attend the first day of Redfest was the only non-press student present at the noon-time press conference held by ASUU.
Choosing to remain anonymous, the student responded in reaction to the administration&s suggestion that students carpool, bike, walk or ride the bus to school in order to free up parking for others and avoid the potential mess.
The anonymous student said, &I’d like to see those flipping jerks from the Salt Lake Organizing Committee carpool their butts up here to their Olympic meetings in those giant SUVs. I&m sure they all drive. I mean, gosh dang it, it&s not like I pay tuition or attend classes here. I&ll tell you what8212;I&ll wake up a half hour earlier to ride the bus to school only if I get to pass by Mitt Romney peddling up 100 South on a bike every day with his pants tucked into his socks so they don’t get torn up by the chain.&
This anonymous student has planned a protest against parking abuse and the seizure of parking spaces by SLOC this Friday at noon. He said that he doesn&t expect the turnout to be too high because he cannot offer a free lunch.
The protest will take place at Lowe&s purple Jeep, which will most likely be parked in front of the Union in the three minute drop-off zone.
Editor&s Note: The Comical is a totally satirical Web feature. Please don&t sue. For more RED Herrings see www.red-mag.com.