Happy Holidays: What Santa and Four-Letter Words Should Have in Common

By Jennifer Mitchell

I can tell that the holiday season is slowly approaching because I am starting to hate people more everyday.

It could be some personal problem, perhaps prompted by the dreaded daylight-saving time or the change in season. All I know for sure is that as the weather gets colder, I get colder.

The same desire that makes me want to violently tear down all of the premature Christmas junk in the stores (it’s not even Thanksgiving yet?for the love of God!) inspires me to verbally abuse all stupid people I encounter on a daily basis.

Of course, I would never really act on these desires. The prospect of spending a weekend in a straightjacket isn’t too appealing. I would propose, though, that before the stress of the holiday season sets in, we should create a new holiday.

On this day, everyone would be encouraged to really say whatever they wanted to whomever they wanted to. That way, we could all burn and be burned equally while getting things off our chest right before the joyous holiday season. Ahhh.

Such a holiday would fit in perfectly in today’s social climate. Our generation loves honesty. You hear the word in preface statements all the time?”Let’s be honest here?” or, “No, but honestly.” Why not, then, have a day totally committed to bare-bones honesty?

I’ll start things off with some ideas to sell my point: Let’s say that you show up to work late. When your boss wants a reason for your tardiness, you calmly say, “Well, I stayed in bed for as long as possible, knowing that every minute I wouldn’t have to spend in your presence would be a happier minute in my life. By the way, I heard that your wife is sleeping with her personal trainer.”

An old high school acquaintance runs into you at the store. On this day, you wouldn’t smile and ask for his or her number?you briefly say, “I would get your number, but I have absolutely no intention of ever calling you. Send my love to the fam.”

This would be a perfect day to call your parents and explain why they are going to need to pay for another year of college

“Really folks, I just want to piss away another year of my life before entering the nine to-five drudgery of your lives,” you say.

“It’s OK, honey,” your mom would respond, “Dad has been making a killing selling weed to kids at the park.”

That night, getting ready to go out with your friends, opportunities for honesty will abound. As you are searching for validation from your roommate for wearing a pair of tight pants, how refreshing to hear, “You know, the pants aren’t the problem as much as the size of your ass. Nothin’ you can do about it tonight, though, so let’s have a good time!”

At the bar, the seedy-looking guy who hits on you would say on this fine holiday, “Hello, my name is Jake. Could I get your number so I can call you sometime? I am interested in taking you to a nice dinner in hopes you will sleep with me.”

This holiday would also emphasize profane language. Freedom of language and honest expression beautifully fit within the finely executed four-letter word. I value and enjoy swearing, and I want others to find this joy.

For this one day, “crap,” “heck” and “fudge” wouldn’t exist. Those words are far more offensive to my ears anyway.

No, I don’t care what religion you are or how clean your mouth usually is, just for this one day, let it out. I know you want to. If you happen to stub your toe really hard on your bedpost?just yell the “F” word. It’s a holiday?you will feel so much better!

These dreams are quickly dashed, though, when I think of the ramifications of my free- speech/venting holiday. If we spoke all the truth all the time, most of us would probably choose to live in solitary confinement. Honesty isn’t pretty, and dishing it out is almost as hard as taking it.

Perhaps then I will abandon my holiday in the hopes that people who pride themselves on being candid with others actually will be. If we all stopped feeding each other loads of crap everyday, brutal, eruptive honesty wouldn’t be necessary.

As for me, I guess I’ll just have to keep my mouth shut for another year. If you see me kicking a plastic Santa at Fred Meyer, you’ll know why.

Jen welcomes feedback at: [email protected]