Possible Bon Jovi Scare at Games, Cold Midgets Sure to Please

By Cleghorne Thunk, Comical News Writer

In about three months the 2002 Winter Olympic Games, or “the Big O” as it is known to many, will begin in Salt Lake City. Many events have already sold out. Tickets are still available though for the Midget Snowman Building Festival and the Closing Ceremony.

SLOC officials say they have no fear that the Midget Snowman Building Festival will eventually sell out, but they have their doubts about the Closing Ceremony.

“Who doesn’t love a frozen midget,” said Mitt Romney, president of SLOC. “They’re short, they’re cold. They’re like a human fudgecicle, only not as chocolately. That Closing Ceremony thing has got me a bit freaked out though.”

Many suspect the line up of performers at the event to be a big part of the problem.

Bon Jovi is one of the acts rumored to be scheduled for the Closing Ceremony.

“We wanted acts that would appeal to a large cross section of the global community,” said Otis Buttweaver, some guy who works in SLOC’s offices. “Unfortunately, we only seem to be selling tickets to the Camaro driving audience.”

This worries SLOC officials because of an incident in 1984 when a valet at the Los Angeles Olympic Games was severely beaten after being mistaken as a car-jacker by a Camaro driving spectator. The Camaro driver was said to be wearing a Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” T-shirt.

“There is no denying the violent nature of the Camaro driving American,” said Buttweaver, “or that they all love Bon Jovi. It freaks me out.”

Those concerned about a possible Bon Jovi related threat during the games can log onto a Web site SLOC has created in honor of the poor valet in LA. The Web site is www.hesjustthevaletyoudumbass.org.