Cool Lookin’ Ken: Breakin’ Hearts at BYU

It may be that he’s a masochist, or perhaps something so simple as a stubborn son of a bitch, but Cool Lookin’ Ken could not be dissuaded?

We were going to Provo, and he had his heart set on joining us.

Don’t get me wrong?CLK’s one cool dude, but, like Shaft, he’s also one bad mutha. Especially in a place like Provo, where a well established hierarchy of sins does not distinguish much between frequenting Starbucks and smoking dope.

And frankly, Ken had done plenty of both.

But that wasn’t the issue this time around. You see, Ken couldn’t be more out of the closet if he was an insulated parka in Siberia.

I tried to tell CLK that, as an avowed gay man wandering the conservative confines of BYU’s campus, he was sure to incite a zoobie riot.

Or, at the very least, get enrolled in some same-sex-attraction regression therapy class or something.

He insisted on going, though. After all, with the BYU-Utah football game just days away, and a good contingent of his U buddies heading south to harass some Mormons, he did not want to get left behind and have to listen to some computer-science major drone on about how upset he was that the FOX network pre emptied “Simpsons” re-runs during the World Series for the umpteenth time.

Being the conniving, devilish dude that he is, CLK wanted in on the pranks. He wanted to meet one of those famous BYU dolls?you know, the one where you put a ring on its finger and its belly starts to expand within weeks?and break her heart.

He didn’t know it would work so well.

Oh sure, he’s a known charmer among Salt Lake-area men, but he didn’t fully realize the effect that the sudden arrival of an attractive, charismatic stranger would have upon the thousands of home economics majors just dying to get barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen before they achieved old maid status at 21.

And so, some poor little Provo girl?we’ll call her “Amy”?came to have her hopes and dreams shattered. With a kiss from Ken, she was already daydreaming of him popping the question on their third date.

How was she to know that he likes to wear a Morrissey T-shirt featuring two naked, oily men playfully cavorting around?

By the time he let “Amy” in on his not-so-secret secret, her hysterics and histrionics necessitated a boost in her Prozac intake from three to five pills daily.

Ken, however, remains unrepentant. We all should have known that a heathen doesn’t venture into a fortress of (self-) righteousness without intent to inflict some psychological damage.

And while the girl’s zoobie relatives will undoubtedly be just outraged enough to send CLK emails calling him “a not-very nice person,” he is quite unperturbed.

And why not?

What else would you expect from a guy called Cool Lookin’ Ken?

Editor’s Note: The Comical is a totally satirical Web feature. Please don’t sue. For more RED Herrings see www.red mag.com.