Corky Gets Jiggy With It

By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief

Corky has been known to shake his groove-thang with the best of them, but recently his dance machine malfunctioned.

This cougar, the intellectually disadvantaged brother of BYU’s mascot Cosmo, has taken lessons from Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly in his youth, which led to a nice appearance on Star Search.

Corky also got down with the Soul Train crew, and was most recently spotted on MTV’s Total Request Live with the sexy J-Lo.

His ability to get down is one of the reasons Lulu was first attracted to this cool cat.

Lulu the Panther is Corky’s girlfriend, and the only living being that can make Corky do what she wants.

Now she wants to dance with her leading beast, but that doesn’t sit too well with Corky.

As a young cougar growing up in Salt Lake’s tough central city area, Corky acquired a healthy distaste for people, small dogs and other large cats.

He got jumped by a band of deranged deer too many times to remain a social being, not to mention the mental anguish his snotty brother Cosmo put him through.

Out of these rough beginnings came a “special” cougar who vowed to always remain a solo act. He has disco down, he can even breakdance, but he could never glide across the dance floor with a partner in tow.

Astaire and Kelly tried as much as possible, but every time they found a nice cougar for Corky to dance with, he got two left feet. In all actuality, while Corky has both a left and a right foot, he only has two left hands.

This becomes a problem in ballroom dancing, when a feline wants to grab his paw but finds the thumb on the wrong side. Corky gets nervous, gets embarrassed and usually ends up falling on his ass.

But his Lulu wants to dance, so Corky secretly signed up for lessons at the University of Utah.

Initially, he thought it wouldn’t be that hard. Though he knew he would be the only cougar in the class, most U students warm up to him quickly. In this situation, Corky and his classmates got along fine socially, but not on the dance floor.

Within a week, all of the women in the class had conspired against him.

“I just can’t do it anymore. That cougar sucks. He keeps stepping on my feet, and he never brushes his teeth,” said Gillian McDaniels, a sophomore studying ballet. “But we have wonderful conversations about hunting rabbits.”

While this comment was made behind Corky’s back, most of the women in the class have had no qualms telling him what they think directly to his face.

“I have told him more than once to stop doing that flirtatious growl around my girlfriend,” said Ralph Schwartz, who is just really happy to have a girlfriend.

Despite the ill feelings, Corky plans to continue his training. He shadow dances next to the other couples and is picking up the cha cha quite well.

His professor isn’t that impressed with his overall movement, however.

“That cougar is the most uncoordinated beast on this campus, well maybe other than that kid,” said Professor John McNut, pointing to a short chunky student named Dwane who ran off crying after the public humiliation.

Corky denies the claim that he is uncoordinated and says that he will prove to Schwartz, McNut and his love Lulu once and for all that he can waltz with the best of them. He dropped his class at the U and has started taking personal training sessions from Patrick Swayze himself, though Lulu has yet to get used to being called Baby.

Corky plans to not only dance with his panther, but take the next step, turn professional and make it to the 2004 Summer Olympics, the first Games where ballroom dancing will be considered a sport.

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.