Liberate Your Brain With The U Fight Club

By By Panda McCann

By Panda McCann

You know that annoying kid who asks all the questions in class? The dude who cost you an A by scoring 100 and blowing the curve? Ever wish you could give him an enema with a firehose? Don’t lie, I know you’ve thought it.

Or what about the professor who always calls you out in front of class for slipping Jack Daniels into your coffee mug and then falling asleep? The teacher who embarrasses you for never completing the assigned reading? Ever wish you could take just one good swing at her with a folding chair? Don’t deny the urge to pummel your academic enemies, lest you snap one day and do something violent.

In order to deal with such frustrations, I propose the first-ever U fight club. Every type of club exists at the U, from chess to engineering to pole dancing. Yet we lack a fight club, something that inherently belongs in an intellectual setting. How else can two people settle an ideological debate when both sides refuse to budge?

In most arguments, a clear victor never emerges. Beating each other to death, however, ensures that we have a winner and a loser. Don’t you hate it when you totally kick someone’s ass in an argument and he or she won’t concede? More than anything, you wish you could just beat the bastard senseless with a tire iron. Well, now you can. Most importantly, you don’t have to worry about the loser not conceding.

Furthermore, a fight club allows for alternate forms of dispute resolution. Why should we have to debate and discuss everything? What’s so great about logic and reason? Everyone champions great philosophers like Plato, Socrates, Locke and Nietzsche. But I’ve never heard any of these guys lay the smack down.

I, for one, can no longer tolerate the psychobabble constantly flowing from the mouths of professors and students. They’re always telling me to use rational assumptions, to test the logical limits of my ideas. Why don’t you test the logical limits of my fist, chump?

My idea is so good that administration and faculty already love it. I proposed the U fight club to President Bernie Machen just last week. After admitting that I am the smartest person he’s ever met, Machen praised the notion of a fight club.

“Hell yeah! This academic gig is cramping my style,” said Machen. “And I’m sick of Old Man Pershing and all his whining. I’m about ready to bust open a can of whoop-ass on his head.”

I approached Vice President for Academic Affairs David Pershing, at whom Machen aimed his threat.

“I’m a little surprised at James Bernard,” said Pershing. “Such aggressiveness seems unbecoming of a university president. Maybe if I break his nose, that bitch will shape up and act his age.”

Others voiced their optimism as well. For her part, Vice President for Student Affairs Barbara Snyder signed up for a kick-boxing class as soon as she heard my idea.

Numerous faculty members and students also expressed excitement about the possibility of a fight club. For some reason, exercise and sports science majors seemed happier than anyone about the idea, while computer science and elementary education majors appeared a bit nervous.

But those with reservations about a fight club should cast aside their fears. You can defeat a larger combatant as long as you buck up and make intelligent weapon selections. That’s right, the U fight club will allow combatants to arm themselves. Of course, the new fight club must adhere to Machen’s policies, meaning no concealed weapons. Instead, you’ll simply need to carry your arms out in the open.

Anyone wishing to compete with a gun must enter the rapid elimination division. I don’t expect fights in that league to last long.

Most of us, however, will simply enjoy pounding our academic nemeses with our fists. Just to liven things up, though, the general competition division (which doesn’t allow guns) will permit the use of metal and steel clubs, furniture, appliances and domesticated animals.

So liberate yourself from years of brainwashing at the hands of academic gurus. Don’t waste another second developing your logic and reason. And instead of worrying so much about your homework, start concentrating on your left hook.

Panda likes sexy women (and feedback), so email him at [email protected]

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.