Celebrities, Beer and Jesus?the Write-Ins for ASUU President

The Impact Party beat Elevation in one of the closest elections in Associated Students of the University of Utah history. But the most surprising results in the final election for student body office was the third and fourth place finishers?ASUU sucks came in third with eight votes, while ASUU Sucks came in fourth with four votes.

Oh, by the way, ASUU SUCKS came in seventh with two votes.

Still the famous write-in votes didn’t focus solely on degrading our beloved student government. Many paid homage to celebrities, beer cans and cartoon characters. Others just displayed the sheer dementia of the student body.

Everyone from Charlton Heston to Isaac Newton to Dante and Randall from Clerks received votes for president, right alongside Space Moose, Sense Sensibility, Fred Meyer, Mr. Rogers/Mr. McFeely, Natural Ice/Natural Light and Phallic Snow Sculpture. Smith’s Food King and Dan’s didn’t receive votes and were quite upset about it.

While in the primary election, the Simpson’s clan almost all received votes (except for a very disgruntled Marge), in the finals only Homer and Bart received nods. However, many of the supporting cast were represented. Lenny and Carl received a vote for the presidency. Ralph Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Moe, Itchy, and of course Scratchy, all received votes for either Senate or Assembly positions. Ned Flanders didn’t receive any votes, unless you count all of those that went to the Flander’s-like ASUU President Elect Bill Edwards.

Mirroring Bart’s famous crank calls to Moe’s Ben Dover, Hugh Jass, I.P. Freely and Phil McCrevass all got one vote?so did Phil Pad My Resume.

Cult heroes stacked the election roles as the geeks, nerds, dweebs, and the incredibly bored voted en mass. Don’t worry, if your vote appears below, I am sure you were one of the bored ones.

The long list of cult classics include Screech from Saved by the Bell, Adam West, Mr. Bigglesworth, Oscar the Grouch, Smurfette, Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Weird Al Yankovich, Mr. T, Peter Pan, Darth Vader, Emeril Lagasse, Hercules, She Ra, Rocky, Ringo Star, Space Ghost, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Fabio, Bill Gates, Grover, Macho Man Randy Savage and of course Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

Many famous musicians received votes including ZZ Top, Jon Bon Jovi, Michael Jackson, Barry Manilow, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Blink 182, Green Day, Linkin Park, Metallica and the late, great John Denver.

Laid off and then rehired biology professor Fred Montague received two votes from the student body, as did Jesus and U President Bernie Machen. Rick Majerus only received one vote.

Beer and cigarettes made the final vote tally in surprising numbers. Joining Natural Ice/Natural Light’s vote for president were minor office votes for Corona Light, Blue Moon, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Rolling Rock, Marlboro Lights, Camel Lights and Camel Reds. Apparently, every U student who drinks voted for his or her favorite beer.

Some of the best write-ins are those that make little to no sense. These are the votes of deranged but humorous minds, some bent on making a political statement, some just down right scary.

Death Droid Electrobot 3059A2B756 got one vote for Senior Class President, so did Hawk McPhlem.

The odd votes for senate and assembly include LosttonsofweightatSubway Guy, my Caterpillar work boots, Miss April Showers, the walrus, Clarus deDogChow, Scott’s Mom, I want Charles in charge of me, Those Cranky Parents, Bald Dwarf, Bionic Badger, Cosmo, The stinky cheese man, The tooth fairy, Viagra, Toe Jam, Count Blah, I need milk with my cookies, The Beer Party, Black Kitty, Humpasaurus Rex, My sweetie you know who you are, Your Mother, your mom, Smitty, any librarian, get a paying job jennifer, nor should you be overheard, Big Daddy Smurf, Count Von Count, Randy Assmaster, get naked, no one at all, none of the above, somebody and my personal favorite: The Sherman Antitrust Act.

The Sherman Antitrust Act will once again run for president next year with Albert Gore, who also received a vote, as his vice presidential candidate.

One of the most shocking votes came for one of my own relatives. I have no idea how My Little Niece Mia received a vote (wink, wink).

What makes me very happy is that some member of the student body didn’t forget me in the long list of humorous write-ins.

Chrony Canham Suck received one vote, and I will always be proud of that. But so did Jared Whitley is Hot, though I am pretty sure Jared wrote that in himself.

Matt welcomes feedback at: [email protected].