Awesome Baby! Dukies Will Win It All!

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Hal Elujah

Chronic Sports Writer

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

As most of America has been following along with the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament these past two weeks, sports fans across the nation are looking forward with great anticipation to this weekend’s Final Four, which, according to most who have kept a running bracket, will include Texas, Syracuse, Marquette and Kansas. Though the Longhorns are the only No. 1 seed left standing, the Roy Williams-coached Jayhawks are considered by many to be the favorite.

But such is not so, according to ESPN college basketball expert Dick Vitale. As has been his trademark for the past decade, Vitale is still putting his money on the Duke Blue Devils to win the Big Dance, despite insistence from friends and co-workers that Duke was knocked out by Kansas in the Sweet 16.

“No way, baby!” Vitale exclaimed while humping the leg of Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski. “Nobody can beat my Dookies! They’re awesome, baby! They’re gonna cut down the nets in New Orleans and shock the whole world, baby!”

While onlookers are certain Vitale was present when Duke was eliminated by Kansas, the loss apparently hasn’t changed Vitale’s opinion one bit. Longtime friend Jay Bilas reportedly approached Vitale for consolation following the Devils’ demise, but just couldn’t get through to him.

“He just had this blank look on his face,” Bilas said. “It was like someone had just taken his whole life away right in front of his eyes. It was the same look he had last year when they lost to Indiana, except this year he didn’t move for almost three days. He just sat there, staring at the court, sitting in a puddle of his own urine, mumbling something about Bobby Hurley and Christian Laettner.”

But now that the Final Four is just days away, Vitale is his old jovial self again.

“No way Duke lost, baby!” said Vitale, who has openly admitted he would gladly have Krzyzewski’s children if it was biologically possible.

“You’re telling me that North Carolina quack Roy Williams can outcoach my Mikey?! Anyone who tells you Kansas won is just pullin’ your chain, baby! It’s April Fool’s, baby! My Dookies are unstoppable! This is what’s so great about the NCAA Tournament: Duke, Duke and more Duke, baby! Duke will win it all again, I’ll bet my life on it, baby! Dahntay Jones and Chris Duhon are true PTPers! And that J.J. Redick, he’s a real diaper dandy! I guarantee a championship this weekend! Duke over Arkansas, baby!”

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