April Hanson WOMAN

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

What are you, some kind of freak? We’ve been on just a couple of dates, and you’re asking me to marry you?

Guys like you are exactly the reason why I can’t stand dating anymore.

I want a man who respects me as a person, and respects my ability to think. And I definitely want to date someone who wears something other than plaid.

I’m flattered that you want to treat me like a princess, but I’m disgusted that you think a “princess” is any woman who will marry you.

I mean, where do you get off saying that I’m “too old?” I haven’t even graduated from college. YOU haven’t even graduated from college! You say you’re going to go to medical school, but your grades stink and all you ever do is play Nintendo.

And I am not giving birth to eight kids. Don’t even think about it.