Dear President Bush: Thanks, Man

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Osama bin Laden

Chronic Guest Columnist

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Hey you f***ing American pig dogs! It’s me, your old pal Osama! Greetings from the mountain caves of Afghanistan. Or is it Pakistan? I’ll never tell.

Seriously, though, man, I gotta say how psyched I am that you capitalist sons-of-b****es have George Bush Jr. in the White House. He makes my life so much easier, and I’m not just talkin’ in the get-everybody-in-the-world-to-hate-cocky-Americans kind of way. I gotta tell ya, I’m sick of living in caves man. Seriously. Ever since my colleagues crashed those planes into those buildings I’ve had to be livin’ in the cold muddy caves ’cause some cowboy said I represent evil. So maybe I am a bit evil, but that Texan dude represents the axis of being-a-huge-pain-in-my-Muslim-ass.

If American foreign policy wasn’t, well, such a pain in the ass, I’d be totally cool with your Satanic Western ways. I’d even listen to Neil Diamond, man. That song “Comin’ to America” would always be blastin’ at the bin Laden house. In fact, you wouldn’t need Uncle Sam anymore, because you’d have Uncle Osama. Catchy, eh?

Anyway, enough of breakin’ Bush’s balls. That drawl-talkin’-squirrel-faced-motherf****er actually is makin’ things pretty cozy around the ol’ cave. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being the bad guy. If someone could explain this to me, I’d really appreciate it, because I completely missed it. One second I’m the world’s most wanted man, and the next, it’s Saddam. How the f*** did that happen? Not that I’m complainin’ ’cause as I said I’m sick of hidin’ in caves, but that Saddam dude is always stealin’ my thunder.

George Jr. is tryin’ to trick everybody into thinkin’ that me and Saddam were in cahoots on that whole World Trade Center thing.

Well f*** me, what does a terrorist have to do these days to get a little respect?!

Bush is drawin’ connections between me and Saddam and I haven’t seen that swine since college. And we weren’t even that close back then. That Iraqi bastard was always tryin’ to hook up with my sister, and I was always sayin’, “Don’t go out with him, he only wants one thing.” That “one thing,” of course, was death to the Kurds, and I had to tell my sister that she just couldn’t go around seeing a guy whose enemies weren’t slimy American capitalists. I told her she had to save herself for a guy who was a real threat to the global community. Like Eminem. That dude is downright scary. Did you see “Eight Mile?” That movie seriously freaked me out, man, what with all the rappin’ and hip hoppin’ and other evil Western stuff that was goin’ on. Anyway, I digress.

Back to my story, ol’ Saddam was pretty bent when he heard what I told my sister about him and we haven’t spoken since. Of course, that whole thing never ends up in your American “newspapers.” Not that I’m complaining.

I’m just as curious as the next guy about the latest with Justin and Britney, but c’mon. It’s Saddam Hussein. That guy can’t even pick a good body double. He always gets a guy with a nose that is too big, because of that whole “you know what they say about big noses” thing.

Give me a break.

But at least you f***s aren’t lookin’ for me anymore. And for that, I offer my sincerest thanks to your dumbass of a president, Mr. George W. Bush. Looks like I can move out of my cave and open up that McDonald’s franchise I’ve been dreaming about.

So, from the mountains of Afghanistan (or was that Pakistan?) this is Osama bin Laden signin’ out. Until next time, remember to keep on smilin’. Peace out.

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