Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
Gregoria Felicidades
Chronic Staff Writer
Geologists Warn: U Parking Stalls Shrinking at Alarming Rate-People can no longer blame oversized SUVs and inconsiderate jack-asses for dents and dings in their car doors. A U geologist shakes his head and says his tape measure suggests a more elusive culprit. “Frankly, we are baffled. Somehow, U parking stalls are shrinking faster than the polar ice caps. In 10 years, they might disappear altogether.”
Records show that the average parking space in 1983 measured two feet wider than today. Geologists have yet to explain the cause of the shrinkage, although some suggest that parking lots get really hot in the summer and shrink the same way a sweater does in a dryer.
A U physicist says his colleagues ignore an intregal part of the puzzle. However, his application of quantum mechanics and string theory raises even more questions. “I think we’re dealing with something on a molecular level,” he said. He explains that while the area allowed for parking decreased, the number of parking stalls increased. “We keep asking a smaller volume to accept a greater mass. I believe the end result can only be a violent inversion of the natural physical realm, therefore creating a rift in space and time and perhaps…hey…pay attention. We’re talking the ‘Holy Grail’ of science here people! We are talking about man’s ability to travel back in time and over vast distances of space.” He promptly fainted.
So why do parking stalls shrink without explanation?
Director of Commuter Services (formerly Parking Services) Alma “The Impaler” Allred pondered the question and leaned back in a throne built of bones, adorned with mummified heads. “Dance for me knave!” he said while pounding the table with a mug fashioned out of a human skull and brimming with a hearty grog.
“Fetch hither the wenches,” he added.
U Scientists Identify Genes Responsible for Enjoying Idle Chatter While Getting a Haircut-A team of U scientists announced their discovery of the area within the human genome responsible for making one predisposed to enjoying casual conversations with hair stylists.
The new study shows that more than half of the population exhibits the “meaningless chatter” trait, including research subject Norm Cobbs. Cobbs seemed skeptical about the genetic cause behind his love for banter. “Yeah do you know where Astoria, Ore., is? It’s at the mouth of the Columbia River. They filmed that movie ‘Goonies’ up there,” he said, “Well they say it is going to clear up, but I don’t like the looks of that sky. He sure has a big head for such a retard. ”
Whether the ability to talk incessantly about stupid crap is an ailment or an advantage remains a point of contention, especially among heads of the nation’s hair-care franchises. “It makes good business sense to make people feel comfortable at our salons. So, do you have anything fun planned for later today, or just a haircut?” said Leanna Bric of “Supercuts.”
Although still in its infancy, the new program will eventually find genes responsible for all human inclinations toward small talk. A team of post-graduate students is nearing completion on “Hot enough for you?” and “Working hard or hardly working?” studies.
U to Open Eccles Institute of Mad Sciences-“They called me a madman when I first proposed this new edition to the university community,” said professor Ernst Von Strudel at the opening celebration for the new Eccles Institute of Mad Sciences, “but I’ll show them, I’ll show them all!”
The $7 million complex will cater to a variety of research interests such as weather manipulation machines, evil death-ray design and the reanimation of long-dead lovers.
Dr. Griffin Phibes, author of “Ethics and the Evil Genius,” spoke of the new opportunities for U students. “You meddling fools, can’t you see your students can now toy with forces they don’t understand?” he said.
Von Strudel concluded the evening with an impromptu toast to U President Bernie Machen. “Think of it, Fritz. The brain of a dead man waiting to live again in a body I made with my own hands…with my own hands!” he said, raising his glass to a chorus of maniacal laughter.