Jackson Waiting for Right Moment To Unveil Famous ‘Shuffle’ in SLC

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Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

There has been something ominously missing from Utah Jazz home games this year. The team signed veteran point guard Mark Jackson just prior to the season for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the eclectic style and attitude of his patented “Mark Jackson Shuffle.”

But so far, with the regular season coming to a close, Jackson has yet to deliver what has become his trademark, opting instead for a crossing of the arms to signify an “X.” The move has left fans and admirers perplexed.

“That’s the whole freakin’ reason I moved to Utah this year,” longtime Jackson fanatic Abram Cordell said. “He used to do that stupid little dance all the time, whenever he hit a big jumper or made a nice pass. And now, what, has he gotten too old or something? Man, that dance is what used to get the fans hoppin!

“Once he started randomly shaking his shoulder, or whatever it is he does, the crowds used to go wild. And now I’ve sat through all these Jazz games, watching the same pick-and-roll over and over again, and I can’t even get rewarded with one damn shuffle!”

But fans shouldn’t fret. Sources close to Jackson say he is close to finally bringing his little dance out of unofficial retirement, possibly as soon as this Friday’s meeting with the New York Knicks.

When asked about the MJ Shuffle? Jackson remained somewhat secretive.

“It’s not a shuffle-it’s a shimmy,” he said. “I don’t know how you can get the two confused. A shuffle is totally different from a shimmy. Shuffles are for old people. I ain’t old. Anyway, I’ve been updating it a little bit, adding a little more flava, kind of perfecting it, you know? But I’m just waiting for the right time.”

That right time is expected to come soon, much to the delight of teammate Karl Malone.

“Karl Malone wants to see it,” Malone said. “Karl Malone deserves to see it. Karl Malone has only ever seen it on TV, but he’s always kind of liked it. If Mark Jackson decides he wants to do it for us, it would make Karl Malone very happy.”

Hal Elujah