Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
KABUL-According to American officials, Afghanistan is once again “opium-irific” and nearing a state of “heroin-tastic.”
“The Taliban terrorized the people of Afghanistan under years of repressive, fanatical rule,” said U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Christina Rocca. “Coincidentally, this enabled them to pretty much eradicate the nation’s prolific opium poppy business as an answer to international pressure and strict adherence to Islamic doctrine. Now the Taliban is gone and Afghanistan’s gots the morphine pneumonia and the poppy-woppy flu.”
Reports show that Afghanistan’s dismal lack of governmental infrastructure and marketable exports have led to the proliferation of opium poppy fields throughout the country. Some experts say that “Smack-happy” Afghanistan will soon be the number one producer of opium gum, from which heroin and morphine is produced.
“Excellent, my ‘friends’ will be very pleased. The Taliban’s designs to halt opium production proved to be very bothersome to my secret, multinational organization designed to circumvent world order for our own evil greed,” said John X. Doe of the Omega Agency.