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Hal Elujah

Chronic Staff Writer

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

It may have taken a considerably long time, but medical researchers believe they have finally found the cause for breast cancer, one of the leading causes of death among women across the globe.

According to newly developed studies, having breasts puts one at a primary risk for developing breast cancer. Previous causes and explanations of the disease had varied from genetics to red meat, dairy products, alcohol, marijuana, ephedra, formaldehyde, excess cholesterol, caffeine, pregnancy, carrots, orange juice, Oil of Olay hand lotion, fruit snacks, oxygen, metal detectors, cell phones, Revlon lipstick, leather steering wheels, Cosmo, cotton bedsheets, latex condoms, baby powder, the SmartBra, push-up bras, coconut pia coladas with little straw hats, home pregnancy tests and water.

“But, as it turns out, the answer was never all that complicated,” Dr. John Ipple said. “It’s just all those damn breasts that are causing all the breast cancer. Apparently, breast cancer cells are only attracted to breasts, kind of like me. Breast cancer can only attack actual breasts, so the cancer cells really have no other place to go but to straight to the breasts. Apparently, the little bastards have a thing for mammary glands. Go figure-breasts cause breast cancer. Eureka!”

Researchers now say that 100 percent of adult women are at a grave risk of contracting the disease, and doctors advise them all to get checked out immediately.

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