Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.Editor:

I am smarter than the people who work at The Chronic because I can do math. I’m an engineering major. And people who can do math can do anything. So I’m smart.

I am sick and tired of reading all of this liberal crap coming out of The Chronic. I have never read anything intelligent in The Chronic.

Never.

Ever. Ever. Not never.

The Chronic doesn’t represent the views of campus, which is largely made up of conservative jerks like me. I think it’s sick how you “establishment” students at The Chronic earn small portions of your tuition by selling your journalistic integrity.

And you’re stupid, too. None of you can write at all. It’s as though you’re a bunch of students, and your only goal is to get experience so you can go get other journalism jobs later. It’s like you’re not even professional journalists, and you’re just learning!

I’m so smart for pointing that out!

Look at BYU’s Daily Universe. That’s a good paper. They have these top-notch Associated Press writers who do most of their writing. Why can’t The Chronic do that?

Engineers are smarter than you. Because we can do math. That means we can do everything well. And it means we know more about politics and the liberalism you espouse than anyone else. Because we can do math.

Math is hard.

Earl Corblatt

Freshman, Electrical Engineering