U Student Joins The Lds Church

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Geto Phab

Chronic Staff Writer

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

With construction woes and the lack of parking on campus, the average commuter U student wakes up at early hours of the morning to reserve the best parking space.

But for students like Elmer Sven, next year will be different. Although Sven does not agree with many doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he will have an edge over the average U student by having access to the new LDS Church-built parking complex.

“Despite the conflicts with my Catholic beliefs, I’ve decided to convert to the LDS religion after I found out about the new complex,” Sven said.

Although the new LDS Institute parking structure will not be completed until the end of this summer, U students like Sven are preparing early for the grand opening.

Sven says he changed his religious preference from Catholicism to Mormonism after he received news that the structure was not built for non-LDS students.

“Finally, no more waking up at 4 in the morning just to find parking at school!” said Sven, a fashion design major who will begin taking Institute classes this summer.

The new 10-story structure will offer more than 7,000 parking spaces on campus designated for students with LDS Institute parking passes.

Sven, who initially considered the process to be too complicated and time-intensive, changed his mind after discovering the complex would offer a full-service car wash and wax along with a rooftop hot tub and swimming pool.

“I don’t really agree with any of their beliefs. I’m in it strictly for the parking perks,” Sven said.

Other U students, like Seymour Jiffy, a junior stress management major, are also following the trend.

“I feel that this is the solution to our campus woes. Sven is onto something great and I believe many more will follow,” said Jiffy after he first heard of the idea.

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