A day in the life of a starving Muslim

By and

Am I pathetic? After Saturday, many of my friends told me that I needed a life and getting out of the house may be a good thing for me to do.

But those are the friends of mine that don’t understand what college football is all about.

That was “Survival Saturday,” and way too many college games were on TV. I have the pay-per-view package and the schedule of games was insane.

I don’t think I had ever sat in front of a TV for 12 and a half hours before Saturday-but rest assured, that’s exactly what happened to me.

Hey, at least I wasn’t alone.

Do you know what that does to your eyes?

Let me take you through my day-and if I am pathetic, make sure you let me hear it, though I know that most of you football junkies did the exact same thing I did, so don’t give me any of your lip, you losers.

The key thing that most of you weekend warriors didn’t have to deal with is fasting.

I am a Muslim in the middle of Ramadan, and I watched football without eating or drinking anything, at least until 5:30 (sundown).

Think about it-yeah, I know it makes you want to think about killing yourself.

I know I wanted to kill myself.

But this was football, and I am a warrior.

Preparation Friday

Preparing for a long day of watching football usually entails buying a whole load of food. If you are not Muslim like me, you could get some beer, but I got to stick with fruit punch.

I can’t drink carbonation, so screw the Coke.

It’s all moot anyway-remember, I was fasting…and oh God, it sucked.

So on Friday, getting prepared just meant actually going to sleep somewhat early so I could wake up for the Utes’ game.

I made sure a couple of my friends, Faisal and Harris, slept over so that I knew a few people who would turn into men the next day with me. Basically, I needed company so I didn’t feel like a complete loser the following afternoon.

It was kind of tough getting them to my house since the snowstorm that nobody asked for showed up and pissed everyone off.

It’s OK, though-we persevered and we were ready to watch some football.

Wake-up time

Wake-up time was set for 9 a.m. so I could get up and watch “College GameDay,” but the Muslim factor comes into play and I have to wake up at 5 a.m. to pray and shove something down my throat so I am not insanely hungry during the day.

Isn’t eating that early just too much fun?

Faisal had to leave to go to a conference, so in the morning it was just Harris and me.

The two of us were stuck with the daunting task of making sure we kept up with what was going on non-stop throughout the day.

The original plan was to have two TVs, but in the morning, most of the focus was on the Utes game, along with the Michigan vs. Michigan State game, which we could handle with just one screen.

Game time

Does anyone understand what screaming for the Utes does to a person who can’t get a drink of water? It’s not funny.

As we watched the Utes’ game and it was coming down to the wire, another of my friends, Ahmed, showed up and told me that the Utes were bound to lose and to face reality.

He said this at the point where Air Force was driving down to kick the potential game-winning field goal.

I think it took all the patience in the world for me not to kill him, but to only yell incoherent sentences until the kick was blocked and the game went to overtime.

When the kick was blocked, I tackled Ahmed and gave Harris a big hug.

Haven’t any of you seen the commercial where the group of guys are watching the game and are careful not to touch each other, until the team on the TV they are watching gets a big play and then all homophobic bounds are broken and they all hug each other?

That’s basically what the feeling was when the game went into overtime, and it happened many times in the extra periods.

For the sake of saving your time, I will not talk about every single overtime, but through all the overtimes I almost died at least eight times, and in the end I bet I lost at least 10 years from my life.

But it’s OK-Utah won.

But that was just the first four hours of the day. What the hell would happen to me when Florida played Georgia and Oklahoma played Oklahoma State?

God, I was hungry.

The Second TV

It was time for the other TV to come down because not only were the two games that I just mentioned on, but also Penn State vs. Ohio State and Colorado State vs. Wyoming.

I only watched the MWC game because it had implications for the Utes. What do I care about Wyoming?

There must have been something else on as well, but I have forgotten in the blur of so much football.

The Oklahoma game was very disappointing, and after halftime we basically changed to the other games.

However, on the other TV, the Florida game was on most of the time until the very end of the game.

At this point, Faisal came back from the conference and Ahmed left in disgust, since he hates football. Turns out he couldn’t handle the heat.

In the fourth quarter of both games, we had 30 minutes before we were finally allowed to eat and Florida looked like they were going to win the game.

But, on the other channel, Ohio State won the game off a bogus call and I was yelling again and effectively getting more and more thirsty.

Does anyone else wonder how the hell the Buckeyes continue to win like this?

I hate them and can’t wait to see Michigan kill them in a few weeks.

After six hours, my eyes were shot, I was only halfway through the football day, but at long last, I could eat.

Dinner break

Do you know how I felt staring at the food counting down the seconds before I could eat? Downing the first bite was almost as good as watching the Utes beat Air Force and Florida down Georgia.

But I couldn’t leave the TV screen because it is against the warrior code (except when I had to pray).

You’re lucky, God.

Just kidding.

At this point, the sports we were watching were not limited to just football because I had bought the NBA League Pass and it was time to watch McGrady and the soon-to-be World Champion Orlando Magic.

As we watched the Magic lose, the primary football game that we were watching was the New Mexico-UNLV game.

Keep in mind that this was my seventh hour of watching TV, and then a whole horde of my friends showed up to watch the Lakers’ game.

My eyes were starting to twitch and any time someone would make a sudden movement, I would see a sudden flash in the corner of my eye.

Yeah, I think I should have stopped, but I didn’t.

The Grand Finale

The Lakers vs. Suns game was close throughout, but the LeBron James game was horrible, as the Cavaliers looked like complete garbage. I kept getting slack from everyone else for turning to the Arkansas vs. Kentucky game that had just gone to overtime, but in the end it was the game of the night. After seven overtimes, two hours had passed and the game ended at 10:00.

There was a collective groan when Arkansas finally won, since everyone wanted to see a new overtime record.

The Lakers game was nearing its end, and to my dismay, L.A. defeated Phoenix and just about everyone around me was cheering.

I was pretty pissed until I turned it to the Washington vs. Oregon game, which was in the third quarter. Keep in mind that this was in the 12th hour and everyone looked at me.

Harris, who had been there the whole time, basically flipped me off and left.

I think his eyes were tired.

Pansy.

I didn’t care that he left-I think it was time to end the day. He had been the only warrior to watch the entire 12 hours.

The Aftermath

It seemed God hated what I was doing because when I went outside to see all my friends off, a branch fell on one of my cars.

Oh well-he’ll forgive me. I didn’t eat while watching football.

I went back inside and watched SportsCenter for another hour, so I guess I hit the 13-hour mark and my eyes were just jacked up. I couldn’t see straight and so I went to my bed and passed out.

Survival Saturday was over and I had the best football day I have had in a long time. Most of the teams I wanted to win did just that, which is better than what has happened for the past month.

Call me pathetic-I don’t care, I am just another fan. Look around you, I bet many people you know did the same exact thing.

We are all around you.

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