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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Jeff Blake is not 34

By Cheap Jewstein

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

The Nationalistic Chronic has learned that journeyman NFL quarterback Jeff Blake is in fact older than his given age of 34.

“He tries to act like he’s all down with us, but he ain’t. We know it. In the locker room he’ll listen to some Fitty-Citty or Beyonc, but then he rolls up into his 1988 Chrysler LeBaron and pops in a CD by The Fixx. No 34-year-old behaves like that,” said Arizona Cardinals running back Marcel Shipp.

Blake started 13 games for the suck-ass Cardinals last year, and nobody really cared.

But despite his birthdate of Dec. 4, 1970, The Chronic has uncovered documents proving Blake to be at least 10 years older.

According to, Blake is a realtor from Dubuque, La., who lives with his wife Sadie and three chows out in them thar hills.

Further proof was offered up by, which confirmed to The Chronic that Blake retired in his late 30s as the Commander of the Tech Hunters after the war against the AIs petered out.

Final proof comes from, which states in plain English that Blake “dengan begitu, film yang berkisah tentang anak dan ibu yang bersembunyi dari teror.”

Former New York Jets head coach Bruce Coslet said Blake pulled the wool over his eyes when the team drafted him in 1992.

“When we drafted him out of Eastern Carolina all those years ago, we thought we were picking up a vibrant 22-year-old QB. Turns out we’d have been better off with Bea Arthur for all the good his knees did us,”Coslet said.

If the story ended here, it would be bad enough. But all indications point to Blake being far older than anybody ever imagined. describes an 1851 run-in between Jeff Blake, haggard gold miner from Missouri, and a group of California ne’er-do-wells.

Clearly, the facts show, Blake is a chronic liar and career chameleon who chose the NFL as his latest prey.

“I don’t really care. We suck really bad. Like, we’re hurting to even break .500, so we’ll take anybody at this point. We’re total sluts,” said Arizona head coach Dennis Green.

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