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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Legislative circus clowns pull off amazing trick

By Pikup Endropoph

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

They’re gone!

The seismic danger of Marriott Library, the bills for fuel and power and the U’s debt for unfunded students all disappeared yesterday at around 13 p.m.

“The Legislature kept saying that if they just ignored our problems, they’d go away,” said U interim president Lowest Bets. “I guess they must have been right!”

Despite numerous pleas for funding to handle serious problems facing the U, the Legislature told Bets to deal with his own problems.

State legislators were too busy deciding whether or not to pull the United States out of the United Nations. Nothing was done to the library, but miraculously it will no longer kill 4,000 people and destroy the state’s greatest treasures.

“After administrators offered pizza to concerned students who called us, I realized that the library wouldn’t really fall down in an earthquake and the money we promised them last year needed to go to smaller schools closer to my home,” said Rep. Id E. Ott, R-Hickville.

“When people don’t have money to pay their bills they have problems, but universities aren’t people,” said Sen. Iwerk Forlobiests, R-Your District.

“If they were people, they’d be allowed to ban guns on their property. Wouldn’t that be dangerous?” he said.

Many legislators were quite happy all of the U’s problems had just disappeared.

“I don’t like listening to those liberals whine. They somehow think they’re the most important school in the state! My constituents go to Salt Lake Community College. I care about their needs,” said Rep. Par T. Goon, R-Salt Lake City.

When asked about his law degree from the U and his wife’s medical degree from the U and whether or not just as many of his constituents went to the U as SLCC, Rep. Goon got a blank look on his face and asked House Majority Leader Stephen Martins to answer, and preferably think, for him.

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