A whole lotta calendar going on

July 14

Wednesday

TV junkies and wannabe crooners alike can begin rejoicing…now. Your long-awaited opportunity to see, smell and perhaps even touch one of the “American Idol” talentless hacks has finally arrived. Your best bet is to forgo showering, sleeping, eating and socializing all day in order to stand in line for a prime, front-row spot for tonight’s “American Idols Live” show at the Delta Center. Word on the street is that there is a gang of pasty-white, sickly Clay Aiken lookalikes from Bountiful armed with their grandma’s fine silver prepared to throw down with anyone who talks s*** on the “Idol” golden boy, or questions his sexuality. That’s funny-questions about Aiken’s sexuality. Did he ever really have any? The dude is more Mariah than Mariah. Please.

July 15

Thursday

Sorry sociopaths, they’re not aptly named, but Las Vegas-bred indie-glamsters The Killers will play Lo-Fi tonight, probably to a crowd of, say, nine people and a handful of crickets. Which is all the more reason to treat your musical palate to a healthy serving of the band’s relatively unknown contagious sound. Keep your ears open for psuedo-romantic sonic gems like “Jenny Was a Friend of Mine,” and “Somebody Told Me.” If you sing along, you just might catch the attention of a cute, if not more-than-slightly jaded, spiky-haired hipster. You never know.

July 16

Friday

Remember how you told your mom that you would take her out someplace nice for Mother’s Day? Remember how Mother’s Day was, like, a long time ago and you totally forgot and spent the parent-date money on beer? Well, now is the time to make it up to the woman who birthed you. Harry Connick Jr., the doe-eyed soul singer with a voice that melts middle-aged women’s hearts like butter in the sun, plays Abravanel Hall tonight. Tickets are expensive-$45 and up-but so is being forced to buy your own Top Ramen when mom cuts your food money if you don’t take her.

July 17

Saturday

Salt Lakers have two options today: one that sucks, one that doesn’t.

The Warped Tour brings its sad, tired, sold-out musical lineup to the Utah State Fairgrounds all day today. This tour has become so emo, it’s not even funny. Well, unless you think boys in tighter jeans than their girlfriends, crying to the violin-punk sounds of Yellowcard is funny. Which we do. So maybe it is. The only way to make an expedition into Warped Land bearable is to avoid the main stages like the plague and catch Slug from Atmosphere, Saves the Day and, well, actually that’s it. Then leave.

Or, if you can’t even stomach the sight of so many scenesters, go to Lo-Fi and listen to the kings of pretension, The Icarus Line, as they try to prove that their band is actually cooler than their celebrity-phone-number-publishing gossip Web site, buddyhead.com. Totally not true (buddyhead.com is too cool/ too elitist for school), but definitely the less sucky of your two Saturday options.

July 18

Sunday

Junior Brown wears a 10-gallon hat. And he rides a big white horse. And he plays the slide guitar. Hmmm…maybe he’ll join our alt-country band. Probably not. But he will bring the big country sound to Ego’s tonight.

July 19

Monday

Funny story: The Aquabats, a ska band from Salt Lake City, once played in the lunch room of our high school. Our friends’ band opened for them. Funny, huh? Go see the Bats tonight as they try desperately to be Devo, with trumpets, at Club Sound. Slick City Skankers represent! Sigh…why does ska suck so much?

July 20

Tuesday

Etta James and her genre-defying blues/funk/rock Roots Band burn down Kingsbury Hall tonight. Hopefully they just play Kingsbury-if Great White taught us anything, it’s that burning stuff down is bad news bears.