Sept. 16

Thursday

Fact: In some cultures, Thursday is considered the holiest of days-a day to be honored with human sacrifice, ritualistic dancing and widespread inebriation.

Fact: In some cultures, Calendar is considered a deity to be honored with similar sacrifices, dancing and drunkenness.

Wait, did we say “facts?” We meant “lies”-as in, everything up to this point has been one. But, we’re done lying. You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! So here it is anyway!

Whoever first thought to himself, “Man, those guys with those brooms and that weird kettle-shaped object sure are some incredible athletes. We should put them in the Olympics!” should be dragged out in the street and shot.

However, whoever first though to himself, “Man, we should offer curling at the SLC Sports Complex (6455 Guardsman Way) on Thursday from 8 to 10 p.m. for the low price of $8!” deserves a pat on the back. Or at least a broom to the behind-you know, like how football players always pat each other on the ass, only somehow more homoerotic.

The idea of a bunch of dudes in spandex chilling-out in an ice rink not so appealing to you? That’s cool-you’re probably just normal. So, how do you feel about plaid-skirts and catholic girls? Frat boys, slow your roll-we’re not about to tell you what time Judge Memorial High School gets out today.

We will, however, tell you about Naughty Schoolgirl Night at Shaggy’s tonight. Ladies get in free, their boyfriends have to pay the cover charge and everyone can get drunk and have (multiple) Sex on the Beach(s) for $3.

Did your parents say “enough is enough” when you were born? Did you always lack the companionship of a sibling? Were you always picked last for foursquare? So were The Only Children, who are slated to play only the most-hyped (by us) show in recent memory at Kilby Court tonight. Show time is show time, which means it’s arbitrary-show up to Kilby by 7 p.m. and prepare to wait for the rocking to begin. The Only Children has an entire article dedicated to it in this very same section, so as opposed to reading this blurb, read that one. Right now. No…now! Never mind, you missed your chance.

Calendar doesn’t mean to sound like your mother, but we’re starting to worry about you. All you do is sit on the couch and watch television and play Gamecube-dude, your skin is so pale even Powder laughs at you.

Which is all the more reason for us to give you another excuse to be slothful: The season premier of CBS’ “Survivor: Vanuatu” goes down tonight at 8 p.m. Go ahead, live vicariously.

Harry Potter is to childhood fantasy what Tyra Banks is to…well, childhood fantasy. And if Calendar ever got the chance to watch a screening of Tyra Banks in the Union at 8 p.m. tonight, (like we do for Alfonso Cuaron’s Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) we’d totally take it. But we don’t-all we got is this damn wizard kid. Fix your glasses, dork.

Last, and probably least, the Utah State Fair is still going on today. One question: How did they make that horse so small? Seriously, we want to know.

Oh yeah, and if you make it out fairground-way tonight, check out the bands Herman’s Hermits and The Turtles, both of which will be playing tonight. Unless they are actually animals, which, you know, is entirely possible.