Calendar Rules Everything Around Me

By and

Oct. 18Monday

Ari Hest is not a terrorist, at least so far as Calendar knows. The singer with the name that piques the attention of every Patriot Actor reading this event entry is, however, looking for Someone to Tell all about his struggles as a pretty-boy balladeer. It’s weird, though-Hest looks more like a non-threatening Middle-East import than an Osama-imitating spy masquerading as a musician. Weird, huh? No…not really. Sorry.But Calendar is tired of trying to make sense, so we’re going to do what every sharp-witted lazy collegiate does when faced with something he/she doesn’t want to do: We’re giving up. All interested parties ought to get a glimpse of Hest at Club Halo (60 E. 800 S.) tonight. Show up around 7 p.m. and pick up your tickets at the door…Calendar isn’t positive, but we’d be willing to bet the bronco that this isn’t going to be a sold-out show, kiddies.

Gang-bangin’ is soooo 1994. All you post-millenium gangstas need to get your heads straight and get your guns up to date-the history if drive-bys is one that traces through Compton, Calif., South Central Los Angeles, that “Ms. Doubtfire” movie (“Drive-by fruiting!”) and now, at the dawn of the next 1,000 years, in the very heartland of America at the hands of a bunch of hard-driving, beer-swillin’ truckers.Don’t believe us? That’s cool, Calendar still remembers that time when we told ya’ll what would happen if you sent your pet lemmings off in the direction of a cliff, and you didn’t believe us then either. Now look at poor Lemmi-he went smoosh. Thus, the Drive-By Truckers will again prove Calendar’s words true as they play tonight at Park City’s official jumpsuit, Club Suede. Get yourself an official bullet-hole for $15, and remember, if 50 Cent can get a record contract based solely on his having been shot repeatedly (and clearly not on his skills as a rapper), then so can you. Calendar’s advised emcee ID? Either Jimmy Bag O’ Bullets or the Ol’ Dirty Lead-ass . Now THERE’s a real O.G.

People are always trying to break life down into easy-to-manage categories. Seriously, it happens all the time-this and that, day and night, that whole “(Insert lame-butt sport here) is life, the rest is just details” phenomenon (which was, by far, the lamest catch-phrase to ever disgrace the entire front of a t-shirt.)Yeah right, Tiger-sorry to burst your Nike bubble, but golf is really not that cool, and if the rest of this stuff we call life falls into the details category, then ya’ll club swingers are missing the point. Luckily, at least one categorization of life does actually represent that which Calendar holds to be the most important aspects of existence: Wings n’ Things (200 S. 500 East). Even better than the fact that this fine dining establishment shares Calendar’s poultry ideals is the fact that tonight all the wings ‘n’ things your chicken-little heart desires can be had at half-price.

Let’s get crazy, goats. Tonight, all the sober, horned mammals in Salt Lake City (many of whom reside below the streets in our city’s intricate sewer system, only coming out during the wee hours of the morning to panhandle and baa for booze) ought to direct the rest of the herd over the looniest saloon this side of Tallahassee: Tonight at the Crazy Goat Saloon (119 S. West Temple), thirsty cloven hooves can imbibe all the $3 steins of beer and Red Bull/vodka cocktails they can handle, while eating pizza until their billy-goat bellies burst. One question: If goats have hooves, and not fingers, how do they hold their drinks?

An often overlooked pratfall of dorm living is the fact that, when you spend 25 hours of your day surrounded by a bunch of lazy, ill-kept, hygiene-adverse 20somethings, you’re bound to catch more than a wayward Frisbee-the ever-mobile flu virus loves to hang out up at the residence halls because all that communal beer-drinking is a perfect breeding ground for infectious diseases. So, to all you new arrivals who’ve yet to experience the weeklong hell that is being immobilized by illness in a dorm room, you ought to take full advantage of the time you still have before being blacklisted by the Bad Bug by getting down with the sickness at Freshman Fever Week (all week long), where, if nothing else, your as-yet-infirmed undergrad appetite can find solace in free breakfast from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. on the Union patio.Free breakfast? Seriously? How about some free flu vaccines? Great thinking, hall monitors.

But, if you’re anything like Calendar, then getting up before the absurd hour of high noon is no more agreeable than parting the Great Salt Lake. Instead, stay in bed (it’s warmer in there anyway) and get some real exercise channel surfing. Catch a broadcast tidal wave at 8 p.m. as the Battle of the Sexes goes down on MTV. Hey, maybe the world’s most lame music channel will take Calendar’s advise and do everyone a favor by forcing Britney Spears to battle Christina Aguilera and Enrique Englesias to the death “Mad Max” style, in a thunderdome, with Tina Turner officiating. And chainsaws. There’ll definitely be chainsaws. We’ll call it “Battle of the sexy” and we’ll charge a pay-per-view fee of $15, all of which will go straight to the ‘refill Calendar’s anti-psychotic medication’ fund. Trust us, it’s for the best.