Oct. 19

Tuesday

Let’s get right to the chase, Calendarphiles-this ain’t no strip-tease, if you want a show, you gotta pay for it. YOU MUST MAKE IT TO THIS CONCERT: Former best friends and current bitter rivals of The Dandy Warhols (the mid-90s junky-band responsible for the insidiously catchy “Bohemian Like You”), The Brian Jonestown Massacre has long been a 90s counter reference-the lesser-known Tonto to the Dandy’s Lone Ranger.

But all that’s about to change: A Sundance-award winning documentary (perfectly titled “Dig!”) focuses on The Massacre’s meteoric rise and fall from grace…and for one night only, the band plays Salt Lake City at Urban Lounge. Seriously, The Massacre is the perfect rock group-a perennially underappreciated outfit fronted by an artist (in this case, the enigmatic Anton Newcomb) whose epic talent is only matched by his Homeric appetite for self-destruction and uncanny songwriting proficiency. The Jonestown Death March starts around 7 p.m. and costs $8, but to see a band that, at one point, genuinely believed itself divine, it’s probably an acceptable expense.

But, if you’re appetite for destruction leads you less to a Jonestown Massacre head to B&D Burgers. As is always the tasty case, B&D offers two healthy helpings of their legendary big and delicious burgers or only $2.

PJ Harvey-the long-standing attitude queen of the galaxy-also plays tonight at In the Venue (219 S. 600 W.) for $30. Harvey is totally a talented songstress, and on any other night of the week, this would be the number-one show to catch, but for PJ’s $30 price of admission, you could pay for you and two of your friends to see The Jonestown Massacre, and then you could go to B&D Burgers and buy everyone dinner.

If you’ve made it thus far through Calendar on the wagon, than Cheers to You-your noble sobriety represents the last example of a dying way of life. So stop being left out of the belligerence-Cheers to You (more than just a congratulations, also a bar on Main Street) has $1 draft night tonight.

And because Calendar is just as concerned with your self-esteem as we are with providing witty (read: contrived) commentary on local events, let us take this opportunity to assure you that, contrary to what your hated ex may’ve said, you are not the biggest loser.

No, you’re like the second, or maybe the third biggest loser. The honor of largest lamo-o goes to the contestants of NBC’s The Biggest Loser reality show, who “In a life-altering competition…use medically approved weight-loss techniques to shed pounds and try to win a $250,000 prize.” tonight at 7 p.m.

Shed pounds and win a huge cash prize? Calendar is still confused as to why the rest of the world is so convinced all Americans are loud, lazy fat-asses obsessed with money. No why might they think that?