American Calendar, stay away from me!

Nov. 9TuesdayAh, America-land of milk, honey and SUVs. From sea to shining sea-and by shining, we mean polluted and sorta gross-Calendar loves thee. Sprawling urban sores like Detroit just send our little event-oriented hearts aflutter. Seriously, nowhere else can mediocrity mix with so sonically with economic depression. Except maybe in North Dakota. That state sucks.But seriously, from Iggy Pop to The White Stripes, Detroit has been the youthful home of many fledgling bands, many of whom use their own respective sense of “man, this place sucks” to produce impressive music.Which, abstractly, makes the fact The Von Bondies are so unremarkable, and such a disappointment. Really, the band has a cool name and a sound that could, on occasion, be mistaken for talent. But, truth be told, the Bondies aren’t anything special. And the only reason that the band has a following these days is because, remarkably, the zombified Jack White kicked his butt in a hometown bar last year.Come check out the Von Bondies’ brand of black-and-blues tonight at In The Venue/Club Sound (219 S. 600 West) with Starlight Desperation. Tickets are $10 per person and doors for the show open at 7:30 p.m.

Kurt Vonnegut is a great American author. His indictments of hypocrisy, servitude and ethnocentrism make Calendar laugh, cry and cringe-in that particular order. None other. Any other order totally changes everything. Vonnegut’s gripping portrayal of the firebombing of Dresden, Germany, in his novel Slaughterhouse Five has, like, inspired kids to go out and read books and name their bands poorly and stuff. Case in point: The Dresden Dolls play tonight at In The Venue at 7 p.m, for $7. Great story, huh?

Easily mistaken with its sweaty namesake-counterpart, endocrine (you know, the gland responsible for pit-stains and stuff), Endochine is actually a band, not a gland. Who knew? Those deranged mountainous creatures at the Crazy Goat Saloon, that’s who-evidenced by the fact that the club’s promoters booked the group to play tonight for $6. Bring your 21+ ID and enough money to tip the “dancers,” lest they get restless and mutilate your sorry corpse with stiletto heels. Or something.Calendar’s got just one question, though: If it’s not a reference to the gland, what the hell does Endochine mean? Maybe the band is just phonetically hilarious and they’re misspelling Indo-China on purpose. That seems reasonable, right?

And speaking of reasonable, let’s hear it for closed-minded patriotism and xenophobia! It’s so much fun to hate everyone who’s not you! That’s why everyone’s doing it! So, in the American spirit of giving (the finger) and taking (what’s not ours), why not watch the grand ol’ 39th Annual County Music Awards tonight on CBS? Hosted by Brooks and Dunn-who, like Madonna, no longer have real first names-the egocentric back-slapping kicks off at 8 p.m. Calendar hopes Toby Keith wins biggest jerkface of the year, but, you never know-that Tim McGraw sure is a crafty cowpoke. He might snag that award. Go Toby!

Or, if country music isn’t your thing (read: if you’re a Democrat) then why not get all L.A.-bohemian with your bad self? And Zach Braff. You can get L.A.-bohemian with him too, and his infectious sitcom “Scrubs” at 9:30 p.m. on NBC. Braff is sooooo cute, OMG! Did you see “Garden State?” Squeal!