Some people call me the gangster of Calendar, some people call me Maurice

Nov. 10 WednesdayReligiosity is all well and good-in fact, the faithful are smiled upon in the small Midwestern town Calendar called home for 35 long and hard years (we’re a nontraditional student, OK? Give us a break). Seriously, there’s something uplifting about the blind, foundationless assertion that, although we can’t prove it or see it or even explain it, there is something bigger out there that will make everything all right.Certain key events in the history of the human race have caused Calendar to abandon the traditional Western notion of God as an omnipresent, omniscient, omnibenevolent being. The soul? What of the soul?Or in Spanglish-De La Soul? That’s right, ladies and gentlemen; your soul is a hip-hop group. Don’t say you didn’t see it coming-it is, after all, called ‘soul.’ So come see what your priest didn’t tell you in church as one of the oldest and most respectable traveling groups of emcees brings the divinity to the Velvet Room (145 W. 200 S.) tonight at around 8 p.m. for $20. But hey, guys, just take our word for it-the dude outside the club in red with horns and a pitchfork, he’s bad news. Don’t let his bad self trick you into giving up your soul, not even for a prescreening of the entire second season of The O.C….commercial free…in surround sound. It’s so tempting, we know, but those pearly gates don’t open unless your inner being is intact. Tragic. It’s official: America has been invaded. The English language has been rapidly replaced by any number of ‘fashionable’ foreign tongues. But, what’s wrong with English, huh? You too good for Uncle Sam-speak? Psssh, haughty foreigners.Like you, Le Tigre. What makes you so special? Why not The Tiger, huh? You too good for spelling? You too cool for grammar school?Well, actually, yes-Le Tigre is too cool and you’re just going to have to learn to deal with it like Calendar did (depression and malaise). But, it’s not too late to up your cool ante in time to catch Le Tigre tonight at In the Venue (219 S. 600 W.) for $13. Go and do as Calendar says-it may be the only way to rescue you from the depths of lame in which you currently reside.

Do the normal boundaries of citizenship leave you feeling stifled, edited and underwhelmed. Yeah, Calendar too-we can’t find enough ways to express our citizenship, we’re just that excited! Lucky for Calendar (and you, depending on your perspective), the film Beyond Citizenship airs tonight from noon to 1 p.m. in the Union for free. Apparently main character Sara Jordan spent two years journeying solo in distant lands to forge a better sociological understanding of feminine paradoxes. Paradoxes? We don’t need no stinkin’ paradoxes! We’re super-citizens and we do what we want, ya heard?!

Sadly, doing what we want often sends Calendar to the emergency room with a laceration or protrusion of illness or something. It happens a lot-ask us later and we’ll tell you all about the time Calendar fell off the roof…of the Sears Towers…and lived to write another day. However, the medical bills are mounting and money is a little tight these days. As such, Calendar doesn’t have the flow to go see one of those fancy, “trained” doctors with their shiny “degrees.” But, we’re sure we’ll need help again in the future, so we’ve come up with an alternative purveyor of care: Calendar’s going to go see a Medicine Man, and you should, too. Oh, and isn’t it just your lucky Calendar-there just so happens to be a (movie called) Medicine Man playing the voodoo-juju tonight from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. in the Union Theatre – for free. Following the medicinal madness, there will be a bioethics discussion, which is also free. Free! So much better than bought-and-paid-for.

Thursday, Nov. 11And now, for something a little more responsible: Attention slackers, remember class? Sure you do, it’s that place where all the kids your age sit around and look bored while some stodgy old dude jabbers on and on. What, don’t remember class? Um, maybe that’s because your lazy self hasn’t actually gone to any this semester. Shame on you. Time for a turnaround-large-scale class registration for Spring Semester begins today, so go online to www.utah.edu, randomly pick a handful of PRCT classes (may Calendar recommend underwater basket-weaving 1010? Remarkable class) and get your parents to pay tuition for an education you’re very handily squandering. God, isn’t college great?

Then while you’re basking in the incandescent glow of your recently salvaged collegiate career, why not get your rocks off with some pretty hipsters who lost their teddies? Yup, come get down with all the other cuddly muffins at the Minus The Bear show tonight at Kilby Court around 7 p.m.. Bears are so adorable, don’t you think? Now, if you’ll pardon Calendar, we’re going to vomit up our porridge, thank you very much.