Long live the Ol’ Dirty Calendar

Nov. 15MondaySir, yes Sir! Cadet Calendar reporting for duty! Our mission, since we’ve so obviously chosen to accept it: Bravely and fiercely provide a framework of events oriented toward bored, collegiate locals. These events, having been scoured from the deepest enemy trenches, cost the American people billions of dollars and hundreds of lives, and are to be guarded with extreme prejudice. And rotten tomatoes. For throwing, not eating, private! Ugh, amateurs.Anyhoo, the workweek waits for no man-and no calendar for that matter either. Soldiers, man your battle stations. We’re going in…O.D.B., this one is for you. Pour one out for the homies that can’t be with us today. Word.

So, extreme prejudice, eh guys? Calendar doesn’t know about you, but we’re egalitarians-no elitism ’round these parts. Heck, you’d be hard-pressed to find even an ounce of pretension in Calendar’s cubicle (which, granted, Calendar hasn’t been in for months, in light of our head being too big to get through the door and all), though humble pie is served daily promptly at high noon. Anybody want some?But what’s with the lack of traditional haughtiness? Well, it’s not like we’re not trying-it’s just that all the angst-gone-wrong is gathered tonight in one location, and frankly, we’re hard up to even get a freakin’ fix of holier-than-thou this evening.So if it’s not here, then where’s the elitism? How about at the daily indie show? Yep, River City Rebels-another Victory Records attempt to capitalize on punk’s historical exclusion from traditional ‘cool’- will be doing their best to make all the high-school kids who sat at the corner table feel like jocks-for-a-night (accepted, we mean). Don’t miss out on the wholesale selling-out tonight at Lo-Fi Cafe (165 S. West Temple) for $8. Show starts at 8 p.m. Be there or risk being ostracized.

Speaking of selling-out…also don’t miss the queen of mall-skunk, Miss Avril “I’ll kick [her] in the box” Lavigne tonight with Butch Walker at the Delta Center (301 W. South Temple) for about $32. Kick her in the box? Wow, Avril, how girl-fight of you. Now what, a song called “Sk8tr Sk8nk?” Way to misuse the English language, kiddo-glad to see you weren’t too busy shopping at Hot Topic to make it to high school English class. Calendar is so glad talented individuals are being paid to make music. Seriously.

Or, if you are a true aficionado like Calendar-that is, if ‘talent’ to you implies something deeper than teenage-heartthrob appeal-why not skip all the phony-bologna business and make it to best show of the night? That’s right, the Ropeadope New Music Seminar featuring Lyrics Born, Matt Haimovitz, Sex Mob and Charlie Hunter brings the new-school jazz-hop to Suede tonight at 8 p.m. for $17. Remember that this is an ageist show (must be 21+ to enter), but all the adults who make it are guaranteed the opportunity to get fresh like a pair of newly washed underroos. Recommended attire: No jerseys, gangsta’. Hop in a fresh pair of kicks, man-button-ups.

Don’t feel like staying up till the wee-hour or 1 a.m. (which is when the Ropeadope show will likely get out), how about something a little…drier? Like a fine wine, so too has the John Pizzarelli Trio (bossa nova jazz-aged hipsters) gotten better with time. Calendar doesn’t know what to say-wind and string instrumentation just gets us so exited. Who needs electricity to rock? Not us and not you-if you manage to make it over to Abravanel Hall (123 W. South Temple) tonight at 7:30 p.m., that is. Go to www.arttix.org to pick up tickets for…probably too much money. Definitely too much.

The nightlife isn’t the only happening arena this fine Monday eve, no sir-that magical incandescent box people refer to as T.V. has some offerings to mention, too.

Like “CSI: Miami,” which airs tonight one CBS at 9 p.m. People love this show. Why do people love this show? We’re not being rhetorical-seriously, what about solving bizarre grizzly murders is so damn appealing. Ya’ll need to stop taking acid while reading mystery novels…this is just getting weird. What happened to drinking beer and making hollow threats against ‘dem’ damn foreigners that terrrk oooour jerrrrbs?’ Sigh. Calendar misses the old America-at least its motives were transparent. This whole network sitcom thing has us a little worried. Brainwash, anyone?

Nov. 16TuesdayAnd in the fine tradition of brainwashing, let’s hear it for those producers! Or, more specifically, let’s hear it for “The Producers”…the play…which begins its run at the Capitol Theatre tonight. Ah, springtime with Hitler-you are the love song of Calendar’s childhood. May you split the sides of viewers for years to come.

In case you didn’t notice (or didn’t read Calendar’s title today, or the article about the subject, or crawled out from under you rock in the past few days), Ol’ Dirty Bastard, the oft-imitated, never-understood co-founder of the only rap attack that matters and speaker of the now legendary words, “Wu-Tang Clan is for the children!” is dead. Don’t ask us how (in fact, if you have to ask how the man died, you probably have no idea who he was. Did anyone expect O.D.B to make it past 30? Anyone?), but you can expect a great deal of tributes and tearjerkers in the Ol’ Bastard’s honor tonight on the Vibe Awards on UPN at 7 p.m. Do we even get UPN in Utah? Seriously…Can we even say “Ol’ Dirty Bastard” without being investigated by the thought police? Wait, did they hear that? Oh man…