And the Rodman goes to…

With the Utes’ successand the run of theRed Sox, I’ve been reluctantto write aboutthe NFL all fall, but nowthat I’ve settled down abit from the World Series,and the Utes are ina five-week hiatus, I’mgoing to tackle some ofthe juicy sub plots fromthe pros.Welcome, one and all,to the Dennis Rodman awards, whichwill be used as effective platforms tolaunch into rants about the followingsubplots. Enjoy.The Middle Aged Dennis RodmanAward for the best combinationof acting and athletic ineptitudeon the playing field:Most people are talking about EliManning’s promising mediocrity, PeytonManning’s assault on the recordbooks, Mike Vick’s amazing athleticability, and Brett Favre’s courageouscomeback, but they actually belong inthe NFL.A.J. Feeley of the Dolphins, on theother hand, proved on Sunday that heis in the wrong business. He wins themiddle-aged Dennis Rodman awardhands down for his performanceagainst the Seahawks.There was no more comical subploton Sunday than Feeley’s incompetencecombined with his hip injury,which looked like an ass injury duringthe game. At one point, a teammateof Feeley’s patted him on the butt toencourage him, which caused Feeleyto launch into a very dramatic, backarchinggrimace. It looked like he’djust been bitten by a pit bull withrabies. This was not an isolated incident,either. It seemed that every timeI looked at the Dolphins-Seahawksgame, there was Feeley having a mildseizure. High comedy.To increase the hilarity, Feeleythrew the game-winning touchdownto Michael Boulware of the Seahawks,ran after him at full speed, then pulledup lame as soon as Boulware scored.His next offensive play was a fumble.Congrats Feeley, you’ve earned it.The Young Dennis RodmanAward for the best combinationof athletic ability and acting ineptitudeoff the playing field.This award goes to Terrell Owensfor his performance on the now-infamous”Desperate Housewives” introto “Monday Night Football.” While itwasn’t nearly as bad as Rodman’s performancein “Double Team” (whichincidentally wasn’t as bad as JeanClaude Van Damme’s performance inthe same movie), it was pretty choppy,and the hug was a bit sterile.I expected more fromthe undisputed king ofthe end zone celebration,perhaps either abit more poise in frontof the camera, or a betterstage presence. Seriously,I think his endzone celebrations areincredible and I almostalways hate showboats.Deion Sanders? Hatehim. Michael Irvin?Hate him. Ray Lewis? Hate him. Everyother poseur with pathetic creativity?Don’t like him, either.T.O. is an artist of the end zone celebration.While others might come upwith new dance steps, or a differentprancing trot around the field, they’realways somewhat repetitive. Owens isthe avant-garde, and if anyone on theEagles is going to score, I hope it’s himso at least I can take solace in an interestingcelebration. He needs to workon his acting, though.The Current Dennis RodmanAward for the mos t pathetic,drug-riddled attempt at a comebackThere’s no question about it, thisaward has to go to Ricky Williams. Iknow this is kind of old news, but I’vebeen in a Red Sox induced La La-landfor the past month, so I feel like I stillhave the right to vent about Ricky.When he first announced his retirement,I thought it was kind of funny,and I even respected him for it becausehe chose to do his own thing. Itwas his way of saying the NFL doesn’town him, and that’s the way it appeareduntil they sued him for $8 millionand won.Then Ricky started backpedalingall the way to the Dolphins, who musthave smiled calmly right before theytold him to go (bleep) himself. Butbefore the Dolphins rejected Ricky’scomeback, it became clear that thereal reason for Ricky’s retirement wasthe impending drug suspension.I do have a little sympathy for Ricky ,especially for having taken an $8 millionhit, but all he had to do was to buya jar of Golden Seal, or synthetic urineor whatever else the pros are using toavoid drug tests, and the whole uglysituation could have been avoided.Now Ricky is wandering the globe,$8 million lighter, having scoured theworld’s supply of ganja in search ofthe finest known to man. I guess that’sbetter than Rodman, who is spendinghis time jumping on and off of thewagon, between stints with the ABA.I guess the most fascinating subplotnow is, which one of them will run outof money [email protected]