The passion of the Calendar

Nov. 30TuesdayFeeling appreciated, loved, understood or wanted? Man, sucks to be you-Calendar’s life is full of ignoring faces, usurers and vile folk hell-bent on exploiting our event-listing soul. Wait, maybe it sucks to be us… Either way, stop being treated so damn well by taking a cue from the angry, tattooed, moody “rockers” (the quotation marks indicates suckage on the part of the subject) The Exploited with Total Chaos tonight at Lo-Fi Cafe (162 S. West Temple) for $15 at 7:30 p.m. Exploited chaos? How “hardcore.”

Speaking of exploitation, has anyone seen the U College Democrats since their bigger-brother party lost big-time earlier this month? No? Yeah, neither has Calendar. But, in the immortal words of Bob Dylan, the times they are a’ changing: There is a meeting in Union Room 323 tonight at 7 p.m. Among expected discussion topics: how life is going to completely suck for the next four years, how you saw “Day after Tomorrow” and bought a hybrid vehicle, when the group should head over to REI to stock up on winter survival gear and which member is to be responsible for Ralph Nader’s assassination. Oh, and comfort hugs. There will definitely be comfort hugs.

A little unknown fact about Calendar: Back in the day, we were the star of our high school basketball team. Seriously, Calendar got hoops. Or is it hopps? Sure, we only averaged 6 points a game, 2 rebounds, 1/2 an assist and 5 fouls, but our mom told us we were a star! A few mediocre colleges wanted us to play for them, but Calendar’s dreams were much larger-unbeknownst to, well, everyone, Calendar went on to play in the ABA for a few years until when a freak sweat-puddle accident sent us down a path of long nights and empty cough medicine bottles. Tragically, now all Calendar can do is watch sports movies and dream of what could have been if that damn towel boy had done his job. Needless to say, we’ll be at the free “Coach Carter” (a film based on a true story of a high school basketball coach who demanded more out of his team than just wins) screening tonight at the Megaplex at Gateway Center at 8 p.m. Calendar will be hard to miss-we’re 6-feet-7-inches of squandered potential. No joke. Tickets are available at the ASUU Presenter’s Office.

What is a joke, however, is the singing talent of the local bar-busters, nearly all of whom are showcasing their mad skillz at Karaoke Night tonight at the Westerner (3360 S. Redwood Rd.). Oh God how we fear the inevitable drunker, bitter rendition of “My Heart Will Go On.” Shudder.

In order to drown your disguise, might Calendar recommend that you and your bleeding ears head on over to The Tavernacle (201 E. 300 S.) for its serendipitously timed drink specials. Cheap drinks equal cheap drunks. Think about it.

And if you can still walk/have any money left whatsoever, go find Calendar’s evil twin brother Chris Whipple (he’ll be passed out on his bar stool) and join his sorry, sauced-ass for $1 drafts at the only place that doesn’t give a damn what your name is, Cheers to You (315 S. Main).

And if you manage to make it home before bedtime (which is somehow highly unlikely…Whipple is a mutant human with no liver), make sure to check out “Christmas in Rockefeller Center” tonight on NBC at 7 p.m. No, seriously-this show stars Hilary Duff. Isn’t she like 13 years old? Soooo hot. And by hot, we mean illegal. Soooo illegal. Not that Calendar could ever really have a chance, but at least we would feel better talking about her if she was of age. And by the way, the rumor of her and Aaron Carter being back together is just a rumor-they are just friends OK, gosh people. Keep it in your sock drawer, alright?Oh yeah, and Kenny Chesney (a heavy drinking cowboy…wow what a novel idea), Clay Aiken (that’s Mr. Aiken to you), Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, (why don’t stars ever change their last names?) will all be making appearances. Be still, our Calendar heart.