The students of California’s Lemoore Union High School just wanna dance. But the now disenfranchised youth will be forced to fight for their right to party this semester, as their principal, Jim Bennett, has crushed the school’s remaining dances with a fun-hating iron fist.

The boogie embargo was set into place after an epidemic of so-called “freak dancing” infected the student body’s social gatherings. As Bennett states, “I’ve never really paid attention to the way students were dancing, but somewhere along the line, this dance style crept in from wherever…I call it vertical lap-dancing. But some of it isn’t so vertical.”

The principal has agreed to re-schedule all cancelled events if, and only if, students stop droppin’ it like it’s hot. However, local parents have rallied around their children’s right to get down; they have rented an off-campus venue to accommodate the school’s homecoming dance. The Buzz Bin is left wondering, “Where the hell is Kevin Bacon when you need him?”

A very Motley matrimony: May you live happily ever Hammer

Motley Crue mic-swinger Vince Neil tied the knot last week to longtime girlfriend Lia Gerardini. Crue alumni Tommy Lee and Nikki Six were in attendance, alongside longtime friend Dennis Rodman and Playboy playmate Brande Roderick.

Mastering the ceremonies was none other than one of the ’90s most infamous ceremony masterers himself: MC Hammer. Better known for mastering the mic than the ministry, Hammer vowed to leave the parachute pants in the past, as he was recently ordained a preacher.

Many felt the day Vince Neil settled down would be the day that he died. In other news, recipients of invitations to Neil’s wedding were largely heard to respond, “Whoa, I thought that dude was already long-dead. Weird.”

How to kill the

trans-Atlantic buzz

Many a longhaired loafer became majorly bummed this week as police raided the luggage of the third annual Jam Cruise.

The voyage-a high-seas celebration of the Jam music genre, rife with nu-hippies and fashion-forward dreadlocks-set sail to tour the Caribbean and bask in the glory of hour-long “songs” and some good, clean, non drug-oriented fun.

However, before the vessel could set sail, Jacksonville police, accompanied by drug-sniffing dogs, arrested 10 individuals on various counts of drug and drug paraphernalia possession.

To the relief of many a tie-dye-clad individuals, the show did go on. Featuring performances by such jam legends as Primus’ Les Claypool and Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe, the sea-farers set off without further mishap. That is until the ship returned home on Monday, Jan. 10t, as an unnamed attendee was rushed to the hospital with what was reported to be a drug overdose. Again, Buzz Bin can’t help but say it: Weird.

Compiled by Dan Fletcher