The Bottom Line: Just because you’re in Dumpsville doesn’t mean you can’t have pride

Dear Danni,

OK, I just want to say that this is not like every other story you’ve heard. I’m really into this guy, and he is really into me. Except for one thing. We broke up three weeks ago. But the thing is, Danni, we still hang out, we still call each other and we still have the best sex ever.

It seems like we’re even closer now sexually than we ever were. I’m starting to wonder if having the relationship pressure was the problem in the first place.

I mean, is it wrong to have everything working, but only when you’re broken up? He says he’s stoked on things as they are now, and I guess me too. Just because we broke up, doesn’t mean we need to stop having fun together. Or does it?

Dear, If-you-know-better-why-are you-still-at-his-apartment?,

My God, this guy is brilliant. He dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you after the fact. It’s genius. It’s diabolical. He should be writing this advice column, not me.

What’s even more hysterical is the fact that you have neither the sense nor the class to see through it.

I say this with a great deal of love, sweetheart: Put your clothes back on and make a mad dash for the Circle Lounge, because this train has already left the station.

I know, I know. It’s hard, it’s frightening. I mean let’s face it-most people cannot separate sex from emotion. What’s more, everyone likes lying next to someone they have been already comfortable sharing a toothbrush, a residence, a condom with. No one is going to nail you to the cross for that.

What I’m simply trying to point out is, well, the obvious: Breakups are cumbersome. The aftermath is constantly unpredictable and rarely smooth.

Therefore, best to follow my rule of thumb, which is: always classy, never crazy. Let me repeat that: Always classy, never crazy. So keep your head held high, and put this issue to bed.

Without you in it.

Sayonara-sex is just that-a nice goodbye party on the train to Dumpsville. Population? You. No matter how long you keep his hoodie, no matter how many phone tag games you play, you broke up. Period. End of discussion. Do not pass go-do not collect $200.

And the fact that he’s stoked? Of course he’s ecstatic about the current arrangement, and why wouldn’t he be? You might as well place a neon sticker bellow your belly button that reads: “Insert here at your convenience.”

Here’s my 2 cents on the matter: It’s very tempting when you still have lingering feelings for someone to settle for much, much less-even a vague facsimile of less-than-you-ever-would have-imagined, so please don’t make the common mistake of underestimating the power of sex. Even with a familiar opponent, breaking-up means not seeing them again. Which means not seeing them naked again either. I mean, no one has ever renamed it “oh-my-God-the sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-sex.” Think about it.

I’ll put money down that if you had your choice, you’d rather be clear on the technicalities than saying things like “I guess I’ll call you later…”

Don’t underestimate the effects of a breakup, either. Reader’s Digest says that a breakup, no matter how serious or how trivial, is equal to a death in the family. But then again, its Reader’s Digest, so do just that with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, mourn appropriately. We’ve all been there.

I’ve made that mistake of thinking sex will bring you closer, and hopefully bring you back together. What I had to come to terms with, regretfully, is this: Regardless of where the relationship was at the time, at some point, he looked me in the face, took full stock of my qualities and still chose to walk.

No amount of Victoria’s Secret thigh-high’s changed those facts, either.

You may think you’re being the cool girl, the one that has turned the tables.

Let me be the one to assure you that the only thing you’ve turned around is your sense of reality.

So to recap: 1) You deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be with you. 2) You’ve closed the candy shop for only those who have a security clearance for an entry. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, 3) This is not the last person you will ever feel this way about.

The next guy is waiting, as soon as you leave the guy who already left you.

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