the buzz bin: “All the gossip that’s fit to print”

The Undersigned: 1

Spoiled Pop Princess: 0

As if the dreadful Milli-Vanilli-inspired hoe-down on “Saturday Night Live” weren’t enough, Ashlee Simpson was recently booed into artistic oblivion by 72,000 testosterone-charged Orange Bowl attendees. And as if absolute public humiliation wasn’t enough, Simpson now lies in the cross hairs of over 176,865 signatures, petitioning Geffen Records to never allow the “artist’s” pop mockery to see the light of day again…ever. Buzz Bin’s take: Hallelujah.

The petition-which can be signed online at www.petitiononline/StopAsh (hint, hint)-states that, “We, the undersigned, are disgusted with Ashlee Simpson’s horrible singing and hereby ask her to stop. Stop recording, touring, modeling and performing. We do not wish to see her again…We are so sickened by her “performing” that we are taking this opportunity to demand that she stop.”Ouch, that’s gotta crush the ego of any gravy-train caboosing pop starlet’s sister. Thank God Latoya never took that kind of flak or the world would have to live without the Jackson-sibling classic “If You Feel The Funk,” or her infamous Playboy spread (both Buzz Bin favorites).

In the meantime, Buzz Bin is left wondering where the hell these people were when Clay Aiken aurally violated our virginal ears. Seriously guys, where?

Allah be with you, Madonna

Madonna has taken a break from her spiritual quests and maternal responsibilities just long enough to sue the living Koran out of street-smart R&B diva Mary J. Blige, production g-g-guru Dr. Dre, and fem-rapper-fatale Eve, on the grounds of copyright infringement.

The Material Girl’s publishing company brought the beef to the table after the release of Blige’s “Not Today,” citing a striking similarity to the 1983 Madonna classic “Holiday.” Apparently the track possesses a strong enough resemblance to the hit that experts feel the suit warrants a more in-depth investigation.

The greater question seems to be where Madonna acquired the gusto to slap N.W.A.-alumni and G-Unit head honcho Dr. Dre with a $15 Million lawsuit, in the aftermath of the Vibe Award’s scuffle.

Let us pray Young Buck is deep enough in hiding not to hear about this…

Paris’ not-so-simple life

Love it or hate it, the Sundance Film Festival has flooded our quaint little slice of Zion with more Sunset Strip starlets than the paparazzi can shake a lens at. And what better than the presence of over-privileged Beverly Hills trust-funders, than an over-privileged Beverly Hills trust-funder feud.

The dirt was first unearthed when Shannon Doherty-ex Rick Salomon kicked the chemically imbalanced ’90s icon to the curb in favor of a film career with up-and-coming scandal princess Paris Hilton. Though the resulting home-video gave many a dorm-room occupant something to do on a weekday evening, the couple split shortly after its nefarious release.

As Paris landed in Park City, presumably by private jet or neon pink Barbie-copter, she was greeted with the news that Doherty and Salomon were cavorting around the festival, exchanging many an intimate public-display-of-affection. Last Friday, the dueling duo first came into contact at the Marquee Hotel to celebrate Spider-man’s, err Tobey Maguire’s, birthday.

Hilton reverted to natural instinct and began table-dancing to alleviate the tension, but quickly fled the scene, according to the New York Post.

Later, as Paris and sister Nikki entered the Yahoo! Cafe, the hostess attempted to seat the two next to the Doherty-Solomon contingent. This sent Paris into a temper-tantrum of what was best described as “freaking-out and screaming.”

Which, you know, is pretty much what you see happening on “The Simple Life” every damn day.