Dear Danni,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, and everything is chill. We get along great, sex is good, he’s great. The other night, we were getting down, and he whispers in my ear that he wants to talk dirty. I froze up. I was all into it, and then I just felt stupid. I mean, what am I supposed to say, anyways? Does he expect me to be like some porn star automatically? Danni, what the hell do I even say? Please advise!
Dear “Sweet Talker,”
There are a few truths we need to acknowledge about life. One of them is: Sex is hard enough without bringing verbal expectations into it.
There are social expectations and immense amounts of pressure for us to perform, and to perform well. (As if lying on your back with nothing but Lycra between you and him isn’t enough to worry about!) Everyone can attest to the utter embarrassment of having some random adjective fly out of your mouth while attempting a position even your yoga instructor couldn’t maneuver.
So something dirty slips out? If you have an open and communicative relationship, it’s not that big of a deal-no harm, no foul.
What you need to be more concerned about is having open communication with your partner. That is at the heart of this matter (and by that, I don’t mean just unhinging your sexual jaws).No, what I am suggesting you do is lay everything out on the table in neutral territory, with both parties fully clothed, emotionally and actually.
Talk things out. Discuss your fears and desires.
Hell, even throw in a few fantasies for kicks. Remember, trust is the backbone of any relationship, and yep, you guessed it: Communication is the language of love.
Don’t be surprised if, while having such a conversation, other collateral issues surrounding your sex life come up. Remain open to suggestions, and thank each other for the things that are working.
Maintain a mutual respect for each other, and never hesitate to let each other know if certain terms are offensive.
It’s a thin line between dirty and disastrous. Make sure you’re clear on which side you’re on.
Last, but not least: Have fun. Seriously, I know in the moment of insanity you may think, “Oh, my God why did I say that-did I really just say that?!”Trust me, it happens to everybody.
Just try to remember that it’s just you and him in that moment-there doesn’t need to be any judgments.
If nothing else, you’ll have something to laugh about the next morning.