Feb. 14MondayAnd now, for a tale of perennial heartbreak: See, Calendar had this significant other (boy? girl? llama??) and things seemed to be going pretty well-we’d go out on the town, harass vagrants, try to get the horses that pull those stupid downtown carriages drunk…you know, the usual. To run the risk of sounding like a big, estrogen-filled events-listing-yes, Calendar was in love. So, it came as a great surprise when our soul mate (OK, it was a llama…but the curves on this llama…damn…) called it quits and dropped Calendar off in Dumpsville, USA (which bears a striking similarity to Hoboken, N. J.).Anyway-long story short-Calendar, in all of our hot-and-sweaty glory (801-582-1631), is officially back on the dating market. Llamas beware…grrrowl.
We don’t really resent Valentine’s Day anymore-we gave that up after realizing that resenting a day intended to help people not be a loveless Scrooge makes you (get this) a loveless Scrooge. Cynics-go to cynic-hell (Disneyland). Then again, it could be worse. You could hate V-Day enough to go cap a buncha’ gangster fools and give the holiday something miserable to commemorate, too…if it hadn’t already been done. O.G. Al “Different Scarface, dumbass” Capone ended the Chi-town bootlegging wars by knocking off seven of Bugs Moran’s homies in 1929’s St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, which will be chronicled tonight on The History Channel at 8 p.m. Notably, the Labor Day Bestiality Tragedy never made it’s way into infamy…
What’s with this “nothing to fear but fear itself” business, huh? So. Not. True. We fear domestication. We fear carnies. We fear being domesticated with a carnie. We-like everyone else should- fear the fearless Jack Bauer (“24,” tonight, FOX, 8 p.m.).But what we especially fear is being offered to go after a million dollars on national television…with a domesticated other-half. While performing carnie-like stunts (see: drinking bile). “Fear Factor: Couples” continues tonight at 7 p.m. on NBC. Talk about desperate housewives. And speaking of the future of domestication: Alpha Chi Omega’s (100 S. 1387 East) Spring Recruitment is tonight from 6 to 8 p.m. Hey, freshmen: Never been in a sorority house? Want to? They’re doing house tours at 6 p.m. Oh, Greeks: you make us go “Ouzo!” for your dolmades when we all koutsomoures! Whee!
But why go for (or to) class when there’re $3 Steins, Red Bull-Vodkas, and all you can eat pizza at the Crazy Goat Saloon (119 S. West Temple)?
Because you’ll end up a lowlife, sleazy bum-or a Crazy Goat. And you know what Crazy Goats get for V-Day? Rolled. By a stripper. Again. You’re better off at Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) where the scariest thing around wears his girlfriend’s jeans and dances the Safety Dance with an O-face and co-coordinated lurching. Catch tonight’s Return To Sender show featuring the Tolchock Trio at 7 p.m. Tickets are $6-$8 at the door.