Calendar: A Spike Lee Joint

Calendar was listening to the AM radio yesterday, and in a break from the normal “Michael Jackson just ate an English muffin” news segments, they actually reported something that could be considered newsworthy. Some guy in Seattle has started camping out at the Cinerama for “Star Wars Episode III.” Calendar guesses he could just be a homeless guy with a good story, but come on… even hobos have more class than that.

The last time Calendar was so excited that we camped out, it was for a new monkey exhibit at Hogle Zoo. The billboards around town showed angry monkeys beating up gazelles or something, and Calendar thought it would be cool to be first in line to witness the carnage. But alas, they just sat there, even after Calendar wooed some impressionable young wildebeests into the cage.

You can imagine Calendar’s joyful surprise when we found out Hairy Apes BMX was in town at Egos (668 S. State Street) for $7 at 9 p.m. Apes might not be monkeys according to “scientists,” but Calendar eats scientists for breakfast (with egg nog), and damn it, apes doing wheelies on tricked-out double unicycles are pretty freakin’ cool.

Don’t expect to see many Southeast Asians at the Rise Against w/ Tsunami Bomb concert, as the region hasn’t had much recent success with tsunamis OR bombs. For those of you who don’t care about the Far East plight, go to Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple)at 7 p.m. Cost:$15.

Calendar could make an unfunny menstruation joke about Bleed Without Reason @ Kilby Court (741 S. State) Tickets at door 7pm, but unfortunately ALL period jokes are funny. Especially ones about monkeys getting their periods. While eating a caribou.

As if Alan Moore needed another reason to go crazy, along comes the “Constantine” movie premiere tonight at 8 p.m. at the Gateway. Free passes can be picked up at the Union front desk and ASUU. “High Fidelity” was a good American adaptation of a British book, but comparing Keanu Reeves to John Cusack is like comparing Keanu Reeves to Joan Cusack’s brother.

Banff Mountain Film Festival, Kingsbury Hall tonight 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. REI and the downtown Salvation Army store expect a 100 percent loss in revenue for these three hours. Calendar is going because of the hilarious “Into Thin Air” blooper reel that will be shown at the end.

Hey, did you know that college kids like booze? Apparently Port O’Call (400 S. 78 W.) does. College night with $2.50 Big Ass Mugs O’Beer. Calendar thinks that this is a great idea. It will be like soup in bread bowls for a new generation. A generation that likes to sip their suds out of big ol’ anuses. Big ol’ monkey anuses… ANYWAY, speaking of College night, Circle Lounge (328 S. State Street) is having one too. (Good save, Calendar.) Southeastern Asians, Northwestern Asians or anyone who has heard of Asia will show up to this one, with $3 Sapporos and Sake Martinis Note: The only tsunamis/bombs in sight tonight will be epic waves of regurgitated sake-bombs on the dance floor. Get down!