The grapes of calendar

Feb. 17Thursday

Growing up, we used to sit in bed as a young Calendar, armed with a 12-gauge Nerf shotgun and a nine iron, waiting for things that went “bump” in the night. Clearly, being such a tough and street-wise young Calendar (You don’t know us! You don’t know where we’re from!), those pansies never showed. We also used to have lots of cats.

The ASUU Presenter’s Office is making a low-blow, petty attempt to resurrect some traumatic skeletons from Calendar’s childhood closet. It’s like a bad episode of that one show where they’d, like, bring out people from the contestant’s past. Then they’d be like “Look who it is!” And the contestant would start crying. It’s like that: “And now Calendar, something that truly terrifies you…” a F-R-E-E screening of “Monsters Inc.” tonight at the Post Theater (110 S. Fort Douglas Blvd.) from 8-10 p.m. Bring your clubs.

We know some of you think TV sucks your brain out. Calendar, on the other hand, thinks brain-sucking Martians suck your brains out. Seriously. It happened to a kid we knew in elementary school. Sluuuuurp! Now who’s crazy, huh!?

Certainly not us. And certainly not the suits responsible for this week’s episode of “The O.C.” (FOX, 7 p.m.) Holy Sex-Lies-and Balboa-Bars, Sandy’s cheating on Kirsten, which leads her to call the FBI on some bra-burning activist-ex of his, piled on top on MENSA alumni Marissa’s newfound girl-on-girl voyeuristic tendencies and The (long-delayed) Caleb/Lindsey Paternity Test isn’t just good TV: It’s brilliant…

Just like every contestant on “Ghostface Donald’s” “The Apprentice” (NBC, 8 p.m.). You think they get these people off the street? These people are edjumacated. They ALL have high school degrees AND college degrees. Embrace what you have to look forward to. Besides, who doesn’t wish they had The Donald’s permanently affixed blonde, dead, muskrat-yarmulke?

Seriously. Who doesn’t want that thing? It stops traffic. It totally renders the horn on his car useless. When do you think The Donald has ever used his horn? He just rolls up to the intersection, sticks his head out the window, and traffic parts like the Red Sea. Problem solved. However, for the rest of us follicle mortals, we must rely on Saddle Creek (Bright Eyes) signees Beep Beep, who’ll be spaz-rocking Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) tonight at 7 p.m., to stop the wheels on the bus. Tragic.

Speaking of public transportation, remove your bumpers: The freaks will be out on the streets tonight. Literally. Watch out for college night tonight at Cheers To You (315 S. Main) and Cabana Club (31 E. 400 South), an establishment known to drive many a Long-Islander (as in, the ice tea…as in, five or six deep) out into the pavement jungle for their own rendition of “Dancing In The Street.” Natural selection prevails. Beep. Beep.

Meanwhile, Mongolian Theatrical Prog-Rocker and Cult Leader Alsoran will be trying to convince a room full of young souls (Lo Fi Caf, 165 S. West Temple) to join in the crusade against dry cleaning chemicals, starfruit and pink bunnies tonight at 7 p.m. Actually, they describe it as “melting power pop on an indie stick,” but, uh, same thing. They all get the Blue-Kool-Aid-Seal-Of-Approval from us.