Fear and Loathing in Las Calendar

Feb. 22Tuesday

Yesterday was Presidents Day! Calendar’s favorite part about the holiday is the arbitrary lists they put out every year that rank the best presidents. Sure, Lincoln stopped slavery and got us out of a Civil War, but Calendar’s favorite U.S. leader is still Herbert “Sherbert” Hoover. Where is he on these top 10 lists? Nowhere! You start ONE lousy depression, and the whole country gets its panties in a knot. It’s not like F.D.R. ever invented anything as cool as the vacuum. Seriously. Speaking of Lincoln, rumor has it that on the night that he should have chosen a table instead of a Booth, he lost 3 inches of blood @ Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple), $12, 7 p.m. Weird, huh?

Our main man Hoover promised a chicken in every pot. Instead, he got a Jobe family in every truck. It would have been better if there were a Derek in every truck. Whatever that means. Derek Trucks Band @ Suede (1612 Ute Blvd), $20, 9 p.m.

Fat Tuesday @ DV8 (115 S. West Temple) $5, 9 p.m. William Taft was fat everyday. Everyday except Flurblsday, a day that he created via executive order so he could appear more accessible to anorexic voters. Again, seriously.

Reagan gambled that Ollie North would be a good fall guy for his contra bartering fun. He hit the jackpot, and is now on all the top-10 lists. You can be a winner too, and you won’t even have to contract Alzheimer’s! Utah Student Poker Open 1-11 p.m., Union Ballroom, $20 buy in. Prizes given out all day, including a 12 credit hour scholarship.

Hoover’s legacy would have been better if he had taken Great Grandpa Calendar’s advice and invaded Brazil, because we would have the Amazon, which is undeniably the coolest river ever. Or at least we would have had the Amazon until W drained it to build a laboratory to test how puppies respond to being drowned in motor oil. “Ginga,” a documentary about DanceBrazil and Capoeira will be shown at 1 p.m., Dumke Auditorium. Portuguese with English subtitles.

Louisiana has a lot of French influence. So much that when JFK showed up to do a campaign stop in Baton Rouge without his passport, he was decapitated via guillotine. The White House didn’t want to deal with the bad publicity, so the CIA had a heavily made up Clint Eastwood pretend to get shot in Dallas. Oh the stories you hear when you give Ted Kennedy a pitcher of Jack and Coke. An Evening of New Orleans Jazz, comes to Gardner Hall at 4:30 p.m. includes a panel discussion with local jazz history scholars.

The Cold War was like an actual war, except for the crazy homeless veterans who got addicted to guzzling Scope. George Orwell tackled communism in his great opus “Animal House,” through the lives of farm animals. In the sequel, communism lives on in the form of double secret probation, and John Belushi does his best impression of a fat pig. “Animal House” will be on KJZZ at 8 p.m.