Writing a funny column this week is hard.
Since I began this “Wookin’ Pa Nub” endeavor five weeks ago, some things with girls have actually happened, and I don’t know if I can be funny about them.
For one, I’ve totally been making out with a girl this whole time, and trying to attract another pretty girl in the process. It gets worse-they know each other.
I like both of them. In fact, there are several girls I like right now, but all for different reasons.
I like some because they are carefree and enjoy the outdoors. I like others because they are motivated and driven. There are some I like because they are sensitive and loving. And there are some because they are just really hot.
Now I know why polygamy is so cool from a selfish male’s standpoint.
I can see myself as a man of many women, gleefully gallivanting from home to home, wooing and whispering sweet nothings into soft ears while receiving a waterfall of attention and affection.
Mondays I could take Missy to the movies. Tuesdays I could take Tammy out on the town. Wednesdays, Wendy and I could watch TV on the couch. Cathy would be thrilled to spend Thursdays by my side.
Then I could dedicate the weekend to the girl I needed most at the time, whether it be Sassy McTastic, Gold-a-licious or whomever.
However, I realize that this scenario is more of a fantasy plot line in a racy soap opera than a page from the book of my life. It could never happen, nor would I want it to.
First, girls get jealous and offended by the idea. I know from experience.
Once upon a time in high school, I had a serious girlfriend. We dated for almost two years. But that relationship kept me from going to a dance with another crush I had developed during that time.
So I sat down with my girlfriend and tried to explain my feelings through an inappropriate analogy.
“My dating life is like an all-you-can-eat restaurant,” I told her. “And you are the carrots.”
I continued, oblivious to the fact that what I was saying could be considered quite rude. I reasoned that she couldn’t be offended because, although not savory, carrots are nutritious and an excellent provider of vitamin A.
“I need to try the dessert bar, and the meat bar and all the other bars,” I told her.
With good reason, she got jealous and offended. She probably should have slapped me.
The second reason why I could never live the multiple-partner lifestyle is because I start feeling guilty for going behind all the women’s backs.
There is a point where keeping the options open becomes living a secret life, and it’s a point I want to stay away from. That is why I stopped the making out. Unless I have some sort of singular commitment to the girl, I cannot give lip massages and feel good about myself (even though it sometimes takes me up to a month or so to do something about it).
So, until I think I might have found what food bar I want to piece on for the rest of my life, these lips of mine are on display only.